For some reason when I started thinking about first year, the theme song from "The Jeffersons" popped into my mind. Again and again the first verse rang inside my head:
Movin' on up to the east side
To a deluxe apartment in the sky
Movin' on up to the east side
We've finally got a piece of the pie
The fact that I only knew the first few lines bothered me to the extent that I actually downloaded the song -- not something I'm proud of -- and it's a pretty sweet tune. Anyway, the point is, in some weird, extremely far-fetched way, this song is a perfect analogy for your introduction to college. Granted, most of you are not newly successful, middle-aged laundromat owners who are moving to Manhattan like Weezy and George, but bare with me for a minute here. Let us deconstruct this song by verse.
First off, as far as your lives are concerned, C'ville is the east side. I know there are only about six kids who go here who are from west of Virginia, so technically this is the west side for most of you. However, this is analogy, and I'm pretty sure there is no directional compass in the world of analogy, or something like that. This is the sweetest place you could be right now -- this is your east side, and don't forget that.
As far as the apartment thing goes, nobody is going to confuse dorms with deluxe apartments, but they're not too bad. That is, unless you happen to enjoy personal space, but you get used to not having that pretty quickly. Here is a little taste of your first trip to Wal-Mart to furnish the room:
"A combination microwave, TV, VCR, clock, radio, computer, printer and toaster in one? Yes! Yes please!"
These are the kind of things that are exciting when you're dealing with six cubic feet of space per person.
When it comes to pie, you're actually in pretty good shape. Newcomb and O'Hill will sometimes tantalize your taste buds with a delicious peanut butter pie, or some cheesecake. The latter is technically a cake but I think everybody knows where cheesecake hangs his hat at night. It's to pie-town for that one, and everybody knows it. I just thought it was time to call cheesecake out for false advertising. It's a pie, which is certainly nothing to be ashamed of.
On to verse number two, which is my favorite:
Fish don't fry in the kitchen
Beans don't burn on the grill
Took a whole lot of trying
Just to get up that hill
Now this verse is perfect. Fish don't fry in the kitchen? You're right they don't, you don't have a kitchen! Beans burning on the grill? You don't have a grill either! I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to possess anything that gives off more heat than the thumbtacks that hold up the posters you are not supposed to have on your wall.
My advice, leave the fish-frying and bean-burning to the dining hall chefs, then stay away from those food items at all costs. What were you even thinking eating fried fish anyway? Hold out for crispy chicken sandwich night, then eat as much as you can so you have enough fat stores to hibernate through rib sandwich and loaf season.
When it comes to the struggle and strife of getting up that hill, you'll find out about that when football season rolls around. Have you ever tried to climb up a muddy, 90-degree slope covered in tiny little liquor bottle landmines? I sincerely doubt it. I just hope you're up to the task when time comes. Godspeed young first year.
There's one more verse, but it's kind of irrelevant so I'm going to act like it doesn't exist. I will, however, leave the sagely advice of a fourth year who is bitter and angry about not being in your shoes. Enjoy yourselves, do what you enjoy and make some good friends. There are a lot of people here, and there are bound to be some of those who enjoy whatever weird stuff made you a pariah in high school. Oh, and seriously, stay away from the fish.
Eric's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com
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