Dear MTV, I spent my summer abroad, and upon my return, I found that you had begun a new season of "Laguna Beach." Although I've never actually seen an episode, I watched a preview. In the preview, one character claimed that her hair was so big, not because of secrets or gossip, but because of "information." I would like to point out that while "Laguna Beach" is a reality series, this statement is not very real. For one, I have a diploma from TJ. I know a lot of information and the only big thing above my waist is my giant head. Secondly, the entire statement was copy and pasted from "Mean Girls." Please check for copyright violations.
Dear MTV,
To my knowledge, there is no surgery that can make my head smaller. Secondly, how "real" is it to file a cease and desist order? If you are a "real" American, you will use your fists instead of your words. Or do you hate freedom?
Dear Bravo,
I have a few suggestions concerning how to make your hit reality series "Project Runway" a bit more exciting. Perhaps the designers can create outfits with hidden weapons, maybe a shiv or a bayonet. Also, maybe the models could have an eating contest and whoever finishes a meal wins! Please credit me as an "executive producer." Thank you.
Dear Bravo,
Since you have a television series based on gambling and drinking, as well as a series focused on five gay men, I did not realize you try to promote family values. A shiv teaches family values: It teaches children why they shouldn't go to prison.
Dear CBS,
Rumor has it that your network is responsible for a season of "Survivor" where the teams are race-based. What happens if someone is part Asian and part Hispanic? Do you flip a coin? Or are they not allowed to apply? Because I'm pretty sure you can't discriminate based on race. And by pretty sure, I mean like 54 percent sure.
Dear CBS,
What if someone is from Antarctica? Can they apply? What if someone is part cheetah?
Dear CBS,
I read the transcript from "The Early Show" you sent me. My favorite part was when Jeff Probst said, "The idea for this actually came from the criticism that 'Survivor' was not ethnically diverse enough because, for whatever reason, we've always had a low number of minority applicants apply to the show. So we set out and said, 'Let's turn this criticism into creativity for the show.'" Because, you know, I don't apply for reality shows since not enough of them promise me the desirable experience of segregation.
Dear ABC,
I am concerned with your series "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." Why don't you just give these families money? I heard that they can't afford to live in the houses you guys build and end up having to sell everything and now many of them are living on boathouses. And by boathouses, I mean in a van down by the river.
Dear ABC,
Typical. You have no heart. Probably because you are owned by Disney.
Dear FOX,
I think "Nanny 911" is the worst idea ever. Some of the kids are horrible and many of them are very unattractive. It's like your production team goes to playgrounds and follows children home. How do you find these families? And why would you encourage them to continue breeding? Perhaps because you need to ensure another generation of viewers.
Winnie's column runs bi-weekly on Thursdays. She can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
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