I usually toy around with cute or quirky titles, but today I decided to be direct. Hooking up with an ex and having friends with benefits seem to be issues that must be addressed directly, because frankly, people are not getting it. You will get hurt or you will hurt someone. That stove is hot. Don't touch! (If you can't take the heat, git out tha kitchen!)
There are two types of people who end up in these situations: the people who are actually attached but tell themselves they aren't and the people who don't care how the other person feels. If you are the first person, you're not necessarily going to get what you want and you're having momentary connections with someone who does not care enough about you to not use you. If you are the second person, you are an *expletive.*
FWB
"Friends with benefits" is a term often used when people no longer in a relationship hook up with each other. But let's look at the term in its original sense -- friends who engage in sexual activities, regardless of whether they previously dated each other. The problem with FWBs is that they are stuck in an uncomfortable limbo with two outs. 1. Start dating, thus becoming a couple, or 2. Break up. It's funny when FWBs break up because they deny having a relationship, yet the breakups usually look the same. There may be some tears -- and possibly yelling -- and I guarantee there will be finger pointing. The point of having a FWB is to get consistent sexual gratification without sticky emotions ... But if one person in the duo decides it's time to take a significant other outside the happy union, emotions will flare. The best thing to do with FWBs is to decide what you want. If all you want is sex, that's fine, but you're probably better off masturbating.
I'm under the impression that anyone who says it's fine to be a friend with benefits speaks from ignorance. Still, anything can happen.
Ex Sex
Hooking up with an ex seems safe: It's known territory. If the breakup had any drama, there may be a certain degree of anger and definitely some strong emotions, which will make the encounter like angry-couple sex or even make-up sex. Yes, the intensity may be alluring but what do you do after? Sleep over? Go out for lunch? Well, you're not dating anymore ... so maybe, maybe not. If either of you is set on not getting back together, all post-sex activities will be somewhat awkward and may involve rehashing old issues.
I think it's a sign that "Scrubs" came on while I was writing this column. In this particular episode, JD once again hooked up with Elliot. For anyone not familiar with "Scrubs," JD dated Elliot in season one but they broke up. They periodically relapsed and had sex, which destroyed many of their relationships, sparked jealousy and was followed by a long awkward period during which they avoided each other. Only after a long period of withdrawal were they able to move beyond sexual tension and act like friends. I know using a TV show reference is weak, but let's just say I've seen this exact thing play out in real life. If you break up and you know you are not going to date again, don't kiss, don't make out, don't have sex and be cautious with the handholding. You can't get over someone you're literally getting into. If you give in, the notion that someone who once cared about you is using you for momentary physical pleasure is likely to cut deep.
If you think your ex is only after sex (and the signs are usually pretty obvious if you take half a second to really look), it's probably a good time to put the breakup into practice -- limit interaction until you know you can resist all impulses and advances.
This is someone you used to care about (and probably still do): Respect the past by leaving it alone.
Megan Hein is a Cavalier Daily Health & Sexuality columnist. She can be reached at hein@cavalierdaily.com.
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