It's hard being a sex columnist without someone mentioning either Carrie Bradshaw or Cosmopolitan magazine. The Sex and the City reference is a label I'd like to avoid -- mostly because I have an aversion to being thrown into the "Wannabe Madison Avenue" crowd -- but I'll allow it because the show was funny. The Cosmo reference however, really sets me off. Why is that? Because, for the most part, Cosmo is absolute crap. It can be amusing crap, but it's crap nonetheless.
My senior year of high school I liked to read Cosmo because it was edgier than my previous Seventeen and Teen magazines and it was something I could giggle over because they talked about sex and penises (or "manhood" as it's often called).
Every issue deals with more or less the same few topics. The health section is pretty consistent -- if something funny is going on "down there" (because we can't grow up and say "if you're having a problem with your vagina"), you should go see the doctor. Gee such wisdom! And what issue would be complete without 10,000 new ways to please your man?
Back in my innocent days these bedroom tricks seemed funny, kinky and sometimes downright dirty, but in a fun way. Looking at them now I see them as strange, messy and generally degrading. I have nothing against pleasurable sex -- in fact I'm all for it -- but I don't feel the need to include random kitchen items, and complete submission isn't exactly on my to do list.
For anyone not familiar with Cosmo, here's a classic example from the magazine ofa sex trick to "drive him wild" from the October 2004 article "Sex tricks he's never been treated to:"
"Try massaging some water-based lube on his testicles, cover them in plastic wrap, then put your lips over the area and hum."
The humming isn't quite out there; people do hummers all the time, and I'm curious to learn what they hum while doing that. But plastic wrap? I think it takes a certain kind of guy to get into that. As a friend of mine said, "If a girl came at me naked with a plastic bag, I'd be terrified."
When I asked some guy friends for feedback, the plastic wrap idea was overwhelmingly hated, as was another trick I've read about in Cosmo -- the doughnut maneuver. This trick involves eating a doughnut off an erect penis. Here are two of my friends' responses:
"That's fairly disgusting."
"These tricks assume that we all have rubber sheets ... food in bed never worked for me."
Weird tricks aside, my real gripe with Cosmo is how it reinforces inequality while touting empowerment. If you actually read a lot of the articles, you'll find they sound as though they were dreamed up by man-pleasing contemporary housewives. For instance the article "10 relax-him tricks to try tonight," in the February 2007 issue included cooking for your man, giving him a foot rub and having "just-for-him sex."
The real problem with these tips is they establish a mindset that women must work hard to constantly reinvent sex so their partners don't lose interest. Should anyone feel the need to regularly use submissive bedroom tricks to please their partner ... Well, it's probably already over. No one respects a woman who can't respect herself. A better solution would be to focus on openness and communication to keep everyone satisfied.
If you enjoy reading Cosmo, fine but don't take it too seriously. Think about it. If you have a bag wrapped around his balls today, where do you go from there? I mean, if you really want to be über-submissive and "please your man," the next time he's glued to the couch watching the game, why not get down on all fours and give him a hands-free fellatio so you can hold his beer and remote. And hey, while you're at it, balance a snack tray on your back so your "honey" can really enjoy the full experience. Sound ridiculous? Well, I'm sure four out of five Cosmo sexperts would say this maneuver will not only please your man ... but it will satisfy his need to never respect you.
Megan Hein is a Cavalier Daily Health & Sexuality columnist. She can be reached at hein@cavalierdaily.com.
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