For my last column of the year, I should comment and perhaps apologize for some minor mistakes I have made in my previous articles. I promise (honestly) that my errors were unintentional. I am a very busy individual and I not only don't have time to fact-check, I also don't have time to use so-called "facts." But let us move on to my apologies.
In my column about Culbreth's play "Les Miserables," I confused two similar names. John Casteen is the president of the University that put on the show. Katie Casteen is the actress who played the character Cosette. John Casteen in no way "shimmied like an ice princess." I also said that tickets for the show were $10, when in reality the theater wasn't putting on the play.
In my following column -- as you no doubt recall -- I made a similar mistake (and really I blame my editors) of saying John Casteen was known to strut around Charlottesville with a feathered fez hat and neon-blue bellbottoms. Casteen is not a badly dressed pimp. I will now no longer use spiky-haired, triple-nose-ringed Downtown Mall rats as reliable sources. Dante Ghostwater, you disappoint me like no one else. Also, I believe this was the article in which I confessed for the second time my love for Phil Donahue. This was clearly a joke, Phil.
Probably the column I received the most criticism about is arguably my most famous: the piece about the likely existence of the Ebola virus. If you remember, I offered evidence from both sides of the story: the scientists' claim that it clearly exists and the opponents' view that "Ebola" is a funny word. I now realize these are not mutually exclusive arguments and know the Ebola virus probably exists. Also, my attempted explanation of String Theory was actually a facsimile of a Romanian instruction guide to turkey basting. I confused my two sources. I'm sorry. It won't happen again.
Because of some confusion in the editor-and-columnist editing process (which I just found out about), the following errors are to be found in my March 13 column about my first JPJ basketball game. First of all, Dave Leitao was wrongly described. He is not a blond cheerleader. He is our men's basketball coach and he was wearing normal coach attire. Nor were any of the cheerleaders tall black men with affinities to men with names like "Sean." Moreover, Leitao wasn't even the coach, since it was a women's game, and it turned out the stadium was Klöckner Stadium. This is also the article in which I said for the first time that Phil Donohue is nothing less than a Greek god. I received many angry responses to this remark, most saying crude things like, "Hey, Chris, you spelled Donahue wrong." You would think I would have learned my lesson, but for some reason my one Achilles heel is complimenting Phil Donahue. Go figure.
Last but not least, there was the exposé about Political and Social Thought majors and the mysterious fall of the Aztec civilization. Though my argument will no doubt withstand much criticism, I should apologize for some grammatical mistakes. For example, there is a blatant typo in my statement, "92 percent of U.Va. Political and Social Thought majors usually make sure, if their friends have been drinking, that they are left alone with a stranger." Clearly this presents a disparaging view toward PST majors, when in reality I meant to say "85 percent." Moreover, I had a dangling modifier in the phrase, "Of all the premature babies in Southern Iceland, the PST major is hard to get into." In retrospect, I'm not sure where I was going with that starting phrase.
There we go. For the sake of argument, I apologize for these mistakes. If they hurt you personally, I'm sorry -- though please don't kill the messenger. I promise for my future columns, I will be a little more self-conscious about complimenting Phil Donahue. Anyway, as this is my last column for the semester, I wish you all a good summer break. I'll see you in the fall, unless my editors have decided I'm too much of a liability to keep on the staff. Or, more likely, John Casteen will read my column and excommunicate me from Grounds. This won't faze me, as I am not offended by men -- no matter how rich -- who can shimmy like an ice princess.
Chris's column runs biweekly on Mondays. He can be reached at shuptrine@cavalierdaily.com.
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