If there's one thing I didn't like about summer, it was Michael Jackson dying. If there's another thing I didn't like about it, it was my psychotic, over-anxious mother, who couldn't seem to deal with the fact that we were living in the same house. She was literally hovering over me as I typed this, bemoaning my imminent departure for college and unleashing a steady stream of slushy eye discharge onto my favorite shirt.\nBut I told her to go make me a sandwich and suddenly I am alone and free to tackle the daunting struggles of column writing - such as how to spell 'imminent' or whether there is a 't' in sandwich. The struggles may be daunting, and I may be duly daunted by said struggles that are daunting, but I will nevertheless attempt to cease my struggling in the realm of daunt, and carry on in the least struggly and daunty manner possible, even if Lady Stroodel Struggle and Sir Diddly Daunt themselves ...\nWow. Please forgive me. You must understand that procrastination and mild stupidity are natural side effects of three months spent watching ridiculous amounts of mind-numbingly similar baseball highlights on ESPN's SportsCenter and Michael Jackson death coverage on every other channel. Such was the nature of a truly wacky summer, one during which good old-fashioned Americans were compelled to put down their long-cherished hot dogs, hamburgers and semi-automatic weapons so that they could engage in civil fist fights about deeply political issues like health care reform and Michael Vick - that is, unless the president was present at such gatherings, in which case Republicans, in a gesture of bipartisan respect, did bring their weapons. Now let us take a moment to put aside our anxiety about the coming school year and reflect back on the highlights of a crazy Mets/Phillies game - I mean summer.\nJune 18-24: South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, weary from months of fishing trips and golf outings, decides to take a well-deserved vacation to South America, a place so far away that he is sure no one will recognize him as he gets his funk on at wild beach parties and has sex with women so out-of-their-mind drunk that they agree to have sex with Mark Sanford. He is perfectly confident that no one back home will worry about their inability to get in touch with him because he wisely told them he'd be hiking the Appalachian Trail, which everyone knows is a total dead zone when you have T-Mobile. After his scheme is somehow foiled, Sanford is forced to face some tough questions about the excursion, one being why he chose to abandon his wife and children on Father's Day. "Which would you rather be doin', you dumb piece of horse manure?" he (may as well have) responded. "A 500-piece puzzle with yer kids or a big-breasted Argentinean girl with no standards?" Sanford's integrity was subsequently questioned.\nJune 25: Michael Jackson, another prominent public figure who has faced criticism for questionable sexual decisions, takes pity on Sanford and decides the best way to help lessen the controversy surrounding the governor is to be the cause of one himself. Millions of men around the world are confused to find that the news media quickly turns a blind eye on the death of Farrah Fawcett, a beautiful, charismatic blonde actress, and instead places the focus on the passing of a strange man with a children's fantasy playground. Several NASA space shuttles are forced to prematurely return home because all of Earth's satellites must cut off communication with spacecraft in favor of taking live aerial photos of Michael Jackson's California estate for every media outlet in existence, even ones in remote countries like Uzbekistan and Canada.\nJuly 16: Henry Louis Gates, Jr., a prominent black Harvard professor, is arrested - possibly for being black. A firestorm of controversy erupts after Sergeant James Crowley arrests Gates for disorderly conduct, resulting in accusations of racism against Crowley, as well as insinuations concerning the continual prevalence of racism in the country as a whole. Crowley defends himself by (kind of) saying, "Look, I did what any other white American would have done in my place. I mean, he was yelling in some kind of African tribal speak, which I'm just not used to encountering here in suburban Massachusetts. What was I supposed to do?" All harsh feelings are cast aside, however, when the two men join President Obama in the backyard of the White House and slam back several cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon, proving once again that beer, particularly PBR, is the most cost-effective solution to political problems.\nJuly 28: Brett Favre officially calls it quits when - after months of speculation about whether he would return to the NFL for his 39th season - he tells Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress: "At this point, I don't feel comfortable leaving my children and grandchildren behind. Also, I've lost most of the feeling in my right arm due to old age."\nAug. 13: Much to the chagrin of dogs everywhere, Michael Vick returns to the public limelight by signing a one-year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles. Vick re-assures skeptical Eagles fans of his true character with (somewhat) stating, "I may have just been released from prison, but I assure you all that I am still a thug at heart."\nAug. something: Town hall meetings across the country, initially intended to be a practical way for Americans to share their views about health care reform, backfire completely when emotions run too high and gun battles break out intermittently, causing multiple injuries and the summoning of emergency health care to the forums. Help typically does not arrive, however, because many town hall participants claim it would cost too much.\nAugust 19: Brett Favre annoys everyone by changing his fickle mind again, this time declaring he is ready to suit up for the Vikings. He is immediately put into practice with the team, which is dismayed to find that the new quarterback no longer possesses the strength to throw a ball further than seven yards. He will start for the team regardless, because he is, after all, Brett Favre.\nYes, it was a truly wild summer. Here's to hoping this first semester here in the Land of Wahoo is no less wacky - and that Brett Favre suffers a career-ending injury.\nNick's column runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
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