Let me preface this by stating my continued bewilderment that it is 2014 and we’re legitimately talking about Ebola as a thing we might have to deal with…again. I say again because recently, prominent doctors, scientist, pathologists and researchers have released findings that suggest the Black Death, the disease that swept through and ravaged Europe killing an estimated 75 to 200 million people in the 14th century (thanks, Wikipedia), resembles the Ebola virus more so than what scientist earlier attributed to the bubonic plague. If that’s true, then that means we as a human race have had multiple centuries to find a cure. What the hell have we been doing?! Going to the moon? Why, to prove to Russia that we’re cooler than them?! So that Alan Shepard could work on his golf swing? Really? Unless the cure for Ebola is on the moon we should probably focus on our Earth problems for now. Here’s how I assume the conversation would play out if my doctor told me I had Ebola.
Doctor: Yeah, so…you’ve got Ebola.
Me: Like…Ebola Ebola?
Doctor: Yes.
Me: But I live in America. Doesn’t privilege make me immune?
Doctor: No, and that’s a horrible thing to say.
Me: Sorry.
(Long pause)
Me: Do you think maybe it’s Polio?
Doctor: It’s definitely not Polio.
Me: Dang. Okay. Have you seen that Nicki Minaj “Anaconda” video yet?
All I’m saying is that planetary space travel can wait. But I digress…because regardless, Ebola shouldn’t scare us. I’ll explain.
Hemorrhaging both internally and externally does sound pretty miserable. Personally I’ve never had a nosebleed but even that looks uncomfortable, so I’m sure bleeding from every orifice is a tad more discomforting. Also, the fact that Ebola has a scary high mortality rate (between 25 and 90 percent) is terrifying. Additionally, as college students in very close and constant contact with each other, coupled with our constant need to make out with one another means that if any of us contracted it we’d all be screwed. I’d have Ebola within a week, possibly minutes depending on who contracted it. But guys — don’t be scared. It won’t happen. Okay it might. But probably not, fingers crossed. But just in case let’s go through the possible scenarios. I’ve attempted to quantify how many people would be diagnosed with Ebola based on where patient zero originated in four distinct scenarios. Projecting the spread based on any singular, random person is too difficult to quantify because who knows how many people that sole person comes in contact with on a daily basis. However, if it’s someone around Grounds who for example, serves the student population on a daily basis, the projection of the spreading might be easier to quantify. Therefore I chose specific locations and then created a hierarchy based on what I believe our fear level should be. Sound good? Sweet.
Scenario #1: A Starbucks* employee contracts the disease and sneezes in the coffee beans.
Fear level: Concerned but not overly.
Okay, this is bad but still containable. If the viral epicenter is at Starbucks, and given that the pumpkin spice latte is back on the menu, that means every sorority girl and basic white girl will contract the disease. This scenario is still horrible but easily containable. Quarantine is still possible by way of forcing sorority girls into their respective sorority houses. Admittedly it will be cramped, uncomfortable, and passive aggressive sticky notes will cover every inch of the walls, but again, the goal is to contain and treat.
*Does not apply to the Starbucks in Nau Hall. If so, every Political and Social Thought major is gone.
Scenario #2: Dean Groves contracts it and doesn’t wash his hands.
Fear level: Slightly panicking.
This simply cannot happen. That man holds the world record for high fives. Dean Groves, I’m talking to you directly: wash your hands every day, constantly, if you can manage that. Otherwise it’s essentially a massacre by high-fiving (although that would probably be a record as well).
Scenario #4: A Bodo’s employee contracts the disease and also sneezes in the food
Fear level: Mayhem, Pandemonium, Anarchy.
The entire student population and half of the faculty are dead within the week. A Bodo’s epicenter would wreck our small community and the worst part is that people would keep going. “Hi, yeah, let me get an everything bagel with turkey, avocado, mayo and Ebola. $3.55, what a steal!”
Scenario #5: Ms. Kathy gets Ebola
Fear level: Clearly there is no god.
If that saint of a woman gets Ebola then we all deserve to get Ebola. If Ms. Kathy gets Ebola I would happily let her give me her Ebola. If Ms. Kathy having Ebola is wrong then I don’t want to be right.
So those are four real life scenarios in which we could all get Ebola. And there’s good news and bad news: the bad news is that Ebola is a real threat in our contemporary society. According to CNN, the first patient to be diagnosed with Ebola in the United States has died. The good news, I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.
Cam Smith is a Humor Writer for The Cavalier Daily.
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