When I asked Humor editor Charlotte if I could write another article for The Cavalier Daily talking about the response to my first article, I silently swore that this time I would come up with a better intro for the article. Since that very clearly did not happen, it would seem that, as a writer, I do not learn from experience. Still, you are reading this article, so it would seem you care about what I have to say. Or perhaps you were so incensed by my last article you’ve decided to hate-read this. Or perhaps you, like me, have grown tired of binge-watching “The Brady Bunch” movies and are ready for a change of pace. Either way, to quote “A Very Brady Sequel,” “Buckle up, Carol. It’s magic time.”
I very nearly didn’t go to class the morning of Friday, Jan. 16, as I had been unable to sleep well the night before, haunted by my 15 minutes of fame from my previous Humor article and the delusions of grandeur that came as a result. Little did I know my 15 minutes were about to be extended into 15 and a half minutes. I ended up forcing myself to go to class — and I’m glad I did, because as I walked out of an early morning improv class into the chilly January air, I looked at my phone and saw that I had received a text at exactly 10:16 a.m. that read “Joe. Oh my God. You are on Queerty,” accompanied by a photo of a news article that read “‘Lonely Homosexual Virgin’ College Student Can Hardly Believe What Happened After He Gave Up Drinking.”
The text, which came from a friend who wishes to remain anonymous, left me with two questions. Number one: why the hell would anyone care enough about what I had to say to write another article about it on this gay news website? And number two: why is my (unnamed) friend on said gay news website at 10 a.m.? I mean, I admit I too frequent this site, although my motivations are typically to scan the articles about underwear models and then eat myself into a food coma.
I immediately called my parents and told them I was famous, to which they replied, “What in the hell is Queerty?” Not to be deterred from my 15 and a half minutes, I turned to my friends for validation and a bragging audience. Their response was to ask, “How did they even find your article? Did they just search ‘lonely homosexual virgin’ on Google and you came up?” Still determined to milk this as long as possible, I endlessly pored over the article in the comfort of my own home, reading such comments as, “How does he know he is a virgin if he frequently had ‘no memory of the night before?’” and, “Slow gay news day, I guess,” and, my personal favorite, “Now this poor kid may never get laid!”
Retreating to the comfort of The Cavalier Daily, I found hope in such comments as “Why is this in the Humor section?” and “This isn’t even a little funny.” I was, however, pleased to see my brother’s comment in support of me, “Don’t take yourself so seriously brah.” Although I suppose it could have been someone else posing as my brother, which leads me to wonder — how would he know I had a brother, and how would he know my brother is the kind of person who would use the word “brah?”
At the end of the day, my 15 and a half minutes ended in a humbling reminder that there’s always someone prettier than you, and soon, everyone will have forgotten your name. This article is simply a last-ditch effort of mine to cling to fame and glamour as long as possible. While I may hope and dream to one day be a Marcia Brady, I know in my heart that I will only ever be Jan. But that’s alright — after all, Marcia’s the one who got hit in the face by a football and broke her nose. Jan got to do cool stuff, like make up a fake boyfriend named George Glass and have RuPaul as a counselor. So I’m alright with being Jan at the end of the day. As long as I have my boyfriend George to come home to, that’s all I need.
Joe Leonard is a Humor writer.
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