With just a week to go, Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. I’ll be spending the day as I always do — hiding in the corner of an upscale French restaurant and slipping engagement rings into champagne glasses for my research project. My research project is called “How Men React When They Accidentally Propose to Their Girlfriends.” Anyway, those of you with special someones in your lives are probably wondering what to do to express your love this Valentine’s Day. Not to brag, but I’ve got a pretty extensive romantic history — when I was in second grade, I had to kiss Peter Holt on the cheek in the school production of Grease, and let me tell you, there were so many sparks flying that Whitfield Elementary nearly burned down! In retrospect, Grease may have been a rather edgy choice for second graders, and I sometimes wonder if it was responsible for my third-grade addiction to cigarettes, leather pants and changing everything about myself to please John Travolta. But the point is, I am no stranger to that crazy thing called love, so I’m here to offer some friendly advice for your V-Day plans.
The most important thing to remember is that nobody wants a cliché date. If you show up with flowers or chocolate and take them out for a nice meal and a movie, you might as well kiss that relationship goodbye and get a cat or something because, as my great-aunt Cecilia often tells me, “You’re going to die alone.” You’ve got to think of something unique. If it’s early on in the relationship, I suggest something like a trip to the mall, which is a great way to tell your sweetie, “I really like you and I’m willing to spend a little money on you. Also, I’d like to change literally everything about the way you look.” Other ideas for a casual Valentine’s Day include a picnic lunch, a walk in the park or perhaps a séance.
If you’ve been together for a while or you’re hoping to get more serious, don’t be afraid to take your date night to the next level. To all you romantics out there, how about a good old-fashioned trip to the coffin maker’s? Nothing says, “I’ll love you ‘til death do us part. Speaking of death, you’ve been looking a little frail lately and we should probably get your affairs in order” like picking out the boxes in which you’ll be buried. If you’re not in the mood to consider your eternal resting place, you could take your honeybunch out for a good game of laser tag. This is a great one because people never think of it, so it will likely be you two versus a bunch of 10-year-olds. If you go to any laser tag facility on the east coast, however, do not mention my name. I am banned for life thanks to some ENTIRELY UNSUBSTANTIATED claims (if anyone from LaserTag Emporium is reading this, I swear those kids tripped themselves).
Whatever you do this Feb. 14, just have fun and make your date feel special. And if you find yourself confused as your significant over gasps at the sight of an engagement ring in the champagne, you should probably just go with it because, to quote Great-Aunt Edith again, “You’re really not that desirable and the clock is ticking.”
Nora Walls is a Humor writer.
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