1. National Hot Dog Day
This one is confusing. Did you mean a “hot dog,” as in the oft-barbequed food, or “hot dog,” as in a golden retriever having a particularly good hair day? Or, alternatively, could this be taken as an ode to Randy Jackson hearing his newest single? “That was hot, dawg.” Plus, as if the “hot dogs or legs” Snapchat trend wasn’t irritating enough, here’s a day that serves to justify the 20 Instagrams you’ll see with that caption. It wasn’t funny the first time, your legs don’t look like hot dogs and it’s sort of weird that you put ketchup all over them.
2. National Best Friend Day
This is not to say you shouldn’t celebrate your best friend, but this “holiday” occurs about once a month and it needs to be stopped. I know, you know, everyone on your Instagram feed knows — the only reason you’re posting this picture of your best friend forever is because you think you look good. No matter if her eyes are closed or there’s makeup running down her face — your legs looked great that day, and one #tbt of the night clearly wasn’t enough.
3. National Filet Mignon Day
More like filet min-yawn, am I right? Seriously, though, it is (medium) rare for anyone to actually want to look at a picture of a hunk of meat, as there’s no way it could really be well done. Meat jokes aside, if you’re really that desperate for an Instagram that a filet mignon is something you actively want to post and you have enough money to spring for a filet mignon on your #collegebudget then god bless you, but please make up for the veggie pictures with a side of fries.
4. Old Rock Day
Maybe I’m horribly misguided as a media studies major, but I’m pretty unclear about the process of creating new rocks. If I chip a piece of Humpback, does that count as a new rock or is that just a piece of a really old rock? How old does the rock have to be to qualify for this day and how do people determine that with just their eyes and not a barrage of scientific tools? Up your street cred on this day by Instagramming a picture of Paul McCartney instead, who embodies a different sentiment of “old rock.”
5. Beer Can Appreciation Day
No discrimination allowed: you must appreciate that Natural Light as much as you appreciate the artisan canned beer you tapped yourself at a brewery one time. I’ve heard people do pretty horrible things to beer cans, like stick a key in the side of them and drain them of their contents as quickly as possible. Followed by some even more gruesome actions, like smashing said can on one’s forehead or throwing it off a balcony. Be kind to your beer.
6. Eat What You Want Day
Considering I’m in college with #noparents and #norules, my terrifying reality is that I can eat what I want everyday. But, often I am held back by such thoughts as, “You haven’t had vegetables in two weeks, Annie,” or “Do you really need that second milkshake today?” Today is the day to not let those pesky thoughts about irrelevant things like health and general body upkeep bring you down. Go ahead, eat that stack of pancakes and wash it down with a bacon, egg and cheese. Follow that up immediately with a burrito, and don’t stop until the clock hits midnight.
7. Be a Millionaire Day
If only it were as easy as proclaiming a day to make everyone’s dreams come true. Here’s the million-dollar question, though (haha!): do you get to keep the money after the day is over? If I had a million dollars, I would use it to bribe Chris Pratt to go into space with me.
8. Learn About Composting Day
I guess everyone should be well versed in the ins and outs of this trade, so what better day to do it than a national holiday dedicated to the cause? My experience with composting comes mostly in the form of seeing what will (and won’t) go down the composter in my sink’s drain, and the subsequent battles with my property management company.
9. Felt Hat Day
On Sept. 15 tradition, legend has it that men retire their felt hats for the year. When can they start re-wearing their felt hats? Can women still wear their felt hats? Has anyone ever worn a felt hat in complete seriousness besides Peter Pan? Was he even serious?
10. Ask a Stupid Question Day
Ask, and ye shall receive. Is the world flat? Can you not? Why are softballs hard? If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you actually done? Why does alcohol have calories?
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