Friday night. Humpday of the weekend. And it’s time to get it on because even the torrential downpour of Hurricane Joaquin did not begin to quench your thirst. Your wingman is looking far from sober and he isn’t doing you any favors. You whip out your phone, prepared to hit up your ex/that girl from French class/a run-of-the-mill-fraternitool/etc. Fingers at the ready, you start to type “Netflix and chill” and then you stop yourself. No. You can’t, it’s too obvious. It’s just too forward.
And you’re right. Because if you are really looking for someone to warm your heart and chill your blood this evening, you need to amp up the subtlety. “Netflix and chill” has become a dead giveaway. I mean what could possibly be more forward than a request, wrapped in a euphemism, hidden in a seemingly sedentary activity? Nothing, that’s what. This is a copulation invitation, and everybody knows it.
So here is a solution, some advice, a gift from me to you. Open up your ears because I’m putting it down like the family dog. Dear Wahoos I give you: “Hulu and hang?” And while you may initially be hesitant, let me just take a minute to explain why Hulu is about to reign supreme in the land of video streaming.
Ever heard of “The Awesomes”? Yeah, neither have I — and neither has your hookup! This Hulu original series is just irrelevant enough not to elicit any kind of negative judgement from your soulmate (for the night). When your television taste has hit an all time low and your libido a record high, I urge you to consider dropping that $7.99/month on a Hulu Plus subscription.
The benefits don’t stop at gaining access to shows you will be able to discuss with absolutely none of your friends. Unlike Netflix, Hulu offers commercial breaks. You know what’s so awkward? Struggling to find the right moment to grope your bang buddy during an uninterrupted screening of “Holes.” You know what’s so satisfying? A hard core makeout sesh with a perfectly timed Amazon Prime ad in the background. One day delivery never did feel so good.
And for those of you who think Hulu has lost its relevance: chin up, peeps. This is America, we’re 13 months out from potentially electing a toupéd squirrel monkey who ran a celebrity game show as our commander-in-chief. If there is any place to make a comeback, it is in the U.S. of A. The likelihood of us giving you a second chance is tantamount to the likelihood of T-Sully ending her next email with the CAPS phone number. It’s practically a guarantee. Don’t believe me? Ask Chris Brown, any “Dancing With the Stars” cast member, or the majority of policemen ever convicted of a crime. Take a lesson about the meaning of real resurgence from the country that sold your parents and is now selling again to you, “parachute pants!”
“Hulu and hang” attracts the same person as “Netflix and chill.” In what I can only describe as its greatest gift, “Hulu and hang” connects us with individuals who provide a truly stupendous slam sesh. That’s because this strategy of seduction appeals to the type of people who refuse to tell you what they really want while they concurrently pursue their goals with as little effort as possible. Who else would I want in my bed on Friday night? Nobody.
With “Hulu and hang” you are once again safe. Your motives will never be known. You aren’t soo forward. Or sooo obvious. Your ex/that girl from French class/a run-of-the-mill-fraternitool/etc. will be completely stumped as they try to decipher what you are really after. And when it’s all over, you still get to come out of the entire experience seeming apathetic and cool. You don’t have to look like you care! And that’s the priority… right?
So breathe a collective sigh of relief fellow classmates, and, as your wingman boot-and-rallies in a back alley off 14th, let us raise a red solo cup to the thing that is indifference. Because as anybody who has had sex will tell you: nobody is likely to please you more than a person who couldn’t care less.
Leigh Engel is a Humor writer.
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