Tell The History Of Now
The Cavalier Daily
Serving the University community since 1890

Snow Wahoo and the Four Breaks

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a pretty chill girl named Snow Wahoo. In fact, she was the chillest girl in all the land. This was due to the fact that she worked hard and played hard, and this unique combination won her fame and fortune across the kingdom. But, as always, evil was afoot. The Teched Witch, petty and bitter, tempted Snow with a poisoned Bold Rock. Luckily, Snow swerved her in time and ran into the woods. At some point there was a magical mirror. I don’t really know. I forget the story. The point is, she soon met the Four Breaks, each with their own mischievous quirks.

The first Break Snow Wahoo encountered was named Fall. He was short and stout, the smallest of all. Snow couldn’t quite get a read on him. Sometimes he was warm, other times cold. Sometimes he went on adventures, other times he just lounged around the cottage complaining about how little time he had left. Still, Fall had a certain twinkle in his eye. Snow had walked in the woods for a long time, and Fall understood that she needed a rest. Or at least he seemed to. One day, she found out the terrible truth. “You’re no break,” she yelled. “These days are for reading!” Fall had spent a lot of time developing his chill appearance and was thoroughly embarrassed. “Please,” he insisted. “Reading Days is my father’s name.”

Snow Wahoo left feeling miffed. She resumed walking and just started to doubt if she could keep going when she ran into Winter Break. Long and stretched out a bit more than he should have been, Winter didn’t do very much. For a while, he and Snow stared at each other. Finally, Winter made a feeble offer of a few snowflakes. Snow Wahoo decided she may as well accept it, and honestly, she enjoyed sitting around doing nothing with Winter. She got cozy, and soon time began to drift away. She woke up and weeks had passed. Frantic, she wanted to return to walking on the trail, but Winter wouldn’t let her leave. He did offer her some holiday cookies, though. “Yum,” Snow exclaimed. “Hey, aren’t these actually Christma-” In a flash, Winter shushed her, staring coldly. He was very sensitive about being called the C-word.

At long last, Snow Wahoo moved on from Winter Break. She walked confidently, happy to be back on the trail. For a little while, at least. She was glad when she ran into Spring. He was suave, and Snow fell hard for him. After the boring Winter Break, she was ready for excitement. Spring told her tales of exotic adventures, beach paradises without any worries. For the first time, Snow Wahoo was in love. She would have stayed with him forever, but two things happened. First, he vanished in an instant, right after stealing her heart. Second, she met his family. An identical twin wandered over, looking just like Spring but sporting a scruffy mustache and a whole lot more self-righteousness. Before he left, Spring tried to explain, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think he’d be back this early. Snow, this is my brother, Alternative Spring Break.” Alternative Spring Break sneered at her and updated his profile picture.

Snow Wahoo returned to the forested trail, unsure about what the future held. She had gone through disappointment and heartbreak; her dreams had been built up and crushed. She fantasized about the perfect Break, one who wouldn’t leave her so soon, one who would encourage her to explore the world and seize each moment. All of a sudden, there he was. Standing six feet tall with a strapping jawline and buckling muscles, somehow pulling off a man-bun, was Summer. He was tan and handsome, everything she imagined a Break could be. She ran to him with reckless abandon, hair cascading in the wind. Leaping into his arms, she realized as she fell that he was nothing but a cheap cardboard cutout. She collapsed on the ground. Up ahead, a pale, sleazy twerp wearing a dress shirt and khakis and carrying two cups of coffee popped out from behind a tree. He looked down at her. “Oh, you fell for that?” he said disdainfully. “Yeah, no. You better find an internship.”