As part of his plan to make U.Va. hip with the kids, University President James E. Ryan has approved a proposal to issue fake IDs to all future students, starting with the Class of 2022. Supporters of this plan believe it will help raise enrollment numbers in the coming years.
“Racist — I mean, recent — events have hurt U.Va.’s reputation as a cool, laid-back school,” Ryan said, referencing a reputation that U.Va. has never, ever had. “Giving underage students a way to easily access alcohol will really help us bounce back in the youth’s eyes.”
Critics of this plan have pointed out that underage drinking is generally frowned upon by both the community and members of law enforcement and, furthermore, a large chunk of students could already be considered borderline alcoholics, but members of the administration have waved off their concerns.
“The kids are getting fake IDs anyways, so they might as well get them somewhere safe where they won’t be ripped off 50, 60, 70 dollars,” an anonymous staff member countered. “Besides, what fish can drink twice its weight? A wahoo!” The staff member then began chanting the Good Ol’ Song as she fist-pumped away, denying any follow up questions.
Several bars around the Corner did not have strong opinions on the policy, as they maintain that they have never encountered fake IDs ever in Charlottesville.
“Well, uh, I’ve never seen a fake ID ever in Charlottesville and every ID I’ve let in has been totally real and convincing, so I don’t know what you expect me to do about it,” said a bouncer at The Hole who wishes to remain anonymous.
Several mothers in the U.Va. Parent Facebook group have expressed their concern and outrage over the proposal.
“My baby would never drink the devil’s water! Shame on UVA for suggesting that my son would have any use for such a thing!” wrote Karen Huckabee from Charleston, S.C.
“If my daughter gets arrested with one, will that affect her chances of getting into Comm School? Or a decent internship? Please let me know,” wrote Susan Smith from Alexandria, Va.
“Should have sent my son somewhere safe, like JMU! They would never tolerate this underage drinking nonsense!” wrote Patty Moire from Roanoke, Va.
In order to save money, the IDs will double as student IDs, allowing students to get their groove on at Trin and get their Crossroads fix afterwards with a single card. The cards will be distributed before Block Party by University Programs Council members who have completely and utterly given up on their mission of providing alcohol-free alternative events for students.
“Honestly, at this point, why even bother? After getting stood up by Future and Lil Yachty last year, we were all like, ‘F—k it.’ We’re setting up a couple of kegs at Rotunda Sings and passing out mini bottles of Fireball at Lighting of the Lawn. Maybe now we’ll be cool enough to get some good talent.”
Many current students view the policy in a positive light, although with a bit of jealousy.
“When I was a first-year, all I got was an email from Dean Groves telling me about the ‘legal risks and consequences’ of going to Block Party. Now, these kids are getting the good times handed to them! As far as parties go, I’ll admit it was pretty lame, but maybe if my fake had shipped in time I would’ve had more fun!” said second-year Connor Jackson.
Ryan says he hopes this seals the deal in raising the number of applicants for next year.
“Honestly, at a school like this, it’s all about the money. More applicants mean a lower acceptance rate, which means more money in our pockets!”
Katie McCracken is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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