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An honest letter to my mom

Humor Columnist Katie McCracken pens a honest letter about her college experiences to her mother

<p>Although I haven’t quite been staying on top of my assignments this semester, I’ve still been learning a lot.</p>

Although I haven’t quite been staying on top of my assignments this semester, I’ve still been learning a lot.

Dear Mom,

I know it’s been awhile since we last spoke, but I promise I’ve been SUPER busy. We have a lot to catch up on.

It’s officially midterm season and I realized that I’m between three and eight weeks behind in reading for all of my classes. No, that’s not a typo. I honestly have yet to do a single reading for one of my classes. In my defense, they’re super boring and I have way more important things to do. But, I digress. I promise I will start catching up on them. Not tomorrow, because that’s Thursday, and those are the most fun nights to go out, or Friday, because that’s when the most people go out, or Saturday, because there are darties and a football game, but maybe Sunday afternoon after I’ve recovered from my hangover.

Although I haven’t quite been staying on top of my assignments this semester, I’ve still been learning a lot. For example, I learned that you have to be 18 to buy cold medicine. I’ve never given someone my real ID to buy something before! Then, I learned why you have to be 18 to buy cold medicine. I was trying to heal myself quickly, so I downed two Dayquil, 5 ibuprofen and a zyrtec to try to cure myself, but I accidently drugged myself instead! When I emailed my TA explaining the situation and why I would be missing discussion, he didn’t reply, but I’m sure he was completely understanding. Plus, my newfound medicinal knowledge is way more useful than American Politics anyways.

You’ll be so proud of me, Mom! I cooked my first meal yesterday without setting off the fire alarm! I got scared after the first three days of cooking for myself, in which I set it off five times, and was on a strictly microwavable diet. But, after a month straight of subsisting off of Hot Pockets, Tyson chicken nuggets and Christian’s pizza, I was finally able to cook a bag of premade stir fry on the stove! Yes, it was premade, but it was on the stove, so technically I cooked it. Chopped, here I come.

Before you ask, no, I still don’t have a boyfriend. But, I’ve been snapchatting this guy I met on Tinder for, like, three weeks, and he hasn’t even asked me to send him nudes! I think he might be a keeper! He also hasn’t asked me on a date yet, but I’m sure it’s just that he’s busy, not that I have any serious personality flaws or commitment issues. Oh yeah, speaking of boys, if anyone tags me in a picture on Facebook, that’s a bruise on my neck. I accidently hit it with a textbook when I was studying too hard. Anyways...

In all seriousness, I need you to send me $200. There was an incident at my apartment, but it wasn’t my fault! Somehow, one of my shot glasses got pushed into our garbage disposal and my roommate made a glass smoothie in the drain. GrandMarc is going to have to replace it. Apparently broken glass flying at your face when you turn it on is a “safety hazard.” It wasn’t my fault though! I’m scared of the noise the garbage disposal makes, so I always just leave my food to congeal in the sink. At least now I’m not the messiest roommate.

Remember how I said I was pre-med? Well, slight change of plans. I’ve decided to instead switch to Media Studies! I know, I know. You think that’s stupid. But hear me out! Tina Fey went to U.Va., and she’s making tons of money from being humorous on TV! I also go to UVA, and even though I currently write humor for The Cavalier Daily for free, I’m basically following in her footsteps. That $20,000 a year that you’re spending might not get me a medical license, but a reporter from The New Yorker hit my juul in Alderman last year after she read one of my articles, so I’d say it’s been worth the money.

Anyways, Mom, it’s been a rough semester. I’m trying my best, though, and can’t wait to see you at Thanksgiving! Please let me know if you have any excess money you’d be willing to give me. Love you!

Your daughter,

Katie

Katie McCracken is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com

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