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I’ve been here three months— someone please help

Humor Columnist Eva Sirotic breaks down just how much she’s grown in her time at U.Va. so far

<p>Here is a quick list of the things I have done in my short, short time at U.Va.</p>

Here is a quick list of the things I have done in my short, short time at U.Va.

In the three short months I have been at U.Va., things have gotten a little crazy for me. As I sit here writing this article, I am currently coming down from an incredible mental breakdown that has lasted for well over a week. My hands are shaking, I want to vomit and also sleep so badly, but alas I must push on and delineate my experiences at this institution.

Here is a quick list of the things I have done in my short, short time at U.Va.  

1) Eaten pizza for breakfast

2) Picked a criminal out of a police lineup

3) Infiltrated the Jewish Community even though I am a God-fearing Catholic

4) Registered FOUR people to vote

5) Found out that one of my professors used to model for Vogue and was a legit teen model

6) Found out another one of my professors is comfortable using the n-word as a white man 

7) Heard from one of my college friends that my high school friends are were talking about me behind my back … yes this is proof that high school never ends and it follows you always

8) Semi-streaked on the Lawn because while I love the idea of going full ham sandwich in front of 15 drunk guys all stuffing their faces with Insomnia Cookies, I am still working towards that perfect bikini bod.

So clearly all these things would indicate that I am a seasoned college student and have indeed suckled at U.Va.’’s teat so much so that I have grown from dinky high school senior to an impressive college fourth-year in the span of 45 days. I can’t remember a time before living here. I haven’t gone to sleep before 2 A.M. ONCE during my time here. My bacne was going away but now it’s back IN FULL FORCE. I think I found my first gray hair and my hands will shake if I don’t drink a coffee. 

Let me tell you something,  I NEVER drank coffee before I came to college. I never understood when white girls wore t-shirts or had stickers that said “But first, coffee.” But now I get it. It’s like, don’t even think about talking to me before I’ve had my morning coffee. Like NamaSTAY away from me!!!!! My fixation with coffee started pretty mildly but grew and grew until suddenly I didn’t need half a cup of milk and six splendas to enjoy my cup of O’Hill French Roast. I became a real woman drinking my coffee black — black as Brett Kavanaugh’s soul (I’m not sure how topical this reference is anymore, I took a really long time to revise this essay.) 

One of the super not cool things about U.Va. is the rush to find a place to live a month into the new school year. How am I supposed to pick the right people and find a place to live FOR NEXT YEAR when I JUST GOT HERE LITERALLY MOVING FROM MY CHILDHOOD HOME OF 18 YEARS a month ago?!? That is so unbelievably ridiculous. How am I supposed to SIGN A LEASE and trust that the people who I live with, who may I remind you I only met a month AGO, aren’t complete freaking weirdos?? How am I expected to make any adult decisions — I have to call my mom to make sure I buy the right toothpaste brand for my sensitive teeth, and now U.Va. wants me to think about grocery shopping and doing my own laundry? I go to Crossroads every night and buy the same damn things — red Gatorade, one serving of mac and cheese and — if I’m feeling really wild — I will get CHEDDAR chex mix. I am not taking care of myself. So far I have bought TWO entire rolls of cookie dough. That’s right, as you’re reading this right now, I am slowly but surely contracting salmonella because I have straight up been eating cookie dough like a BANANA. I peel the wrapper back and at first, I’ll take small dainty bites, because I’m a lady, but pretty soon I’m just ripping off chunks and crying. You might be disgusted, but that’s just a Tuesday night for me baby. 

While my time here has been short, I feel like an experienced veteran of the University. I am still obviously regarded by the upperclassmen as first year trash because I do not know where Sheetz is and I do brag about getting d-r-u-n-k on a Thursday night. 

Anyway, even after all this crap I’ve gone through in the first couple of weeks, I still kind of love U.Va.  And if this is only the first month … I can’t wait to see what happens next. As George Nada says in the 1988 classic, They Live, “I came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass … and I’m all out of bubblegum.” 

Eva Sirotic is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com

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