It’s that season again, a time for gathering with family and friends to reflect upon all that we are grateful for. Everyone, including the cast of characters who occupy the White House, are preparing for the great feast, and why not, what with all the reasons they have to celebrate: their “Big Victory” in the midterms and popular support at an all-time high (don’t look that up). However, everything may not be going as planned.
The cooking begins very early, the Big Mac casserole has to start cooking around 5 a.m. if it is going to be ready for the feast. The casserole is being used as a substitute for the turkey, though not for the traditional reason. At the ceremony, where the turkey is meant to be pardoned, the crowd began to chant the classic “Lock her up!” and well, the short version of the story is the turkey is awaiting trial after having been charged with three counts of email fraud and one count of Benghazi. While the White House kitchen will continue to prepare a number of side dishes, the rest would be brought by the guests in a “potluck” style that Trump heard would appeal to his base. He was confused by the concept, having only ever brought Trump wine as a gift for gatherings, but his advisers assured him that it was in fact a thing.
The guests begin to trickle in around 11, milling about and conversing about the latest rumors. Mike Pence and Steve Mnuchin — mashed potatoes (no butter, no salt) and cranberry sauce — discuss the Mueller investigation while sipping water and cider respectively. Brett Kavanaugh is held up at the door while Secret Service attempts to determine whether the keg he brought with him is safe to allow into the White House. He will be thrown out after yelling at the agents while gesticulating violently at a calendar.
Around 1 p.m., with an hour left before the meal, panic begins to spread through the White House after Melania realizes that nobody had brought the pumpkin pie. Someone had agreed to bring it when the sign up had been passed around earlier in the month. Ryan Zinke (sweet potato casserole) and Mike Pompeo (stuffing) are conscripted to search through the guests to see which slacker is ruining the meal. They quickly track down Ben Carson (green beans) and Rick Perry (lumps of coal), and while Carson was actually meant to bring sweet potato pie, they moved on. Nobody would miss it. They find Betsy DeVos (assorted lunchables), who had been wandering the corridors since she arrived early that morning. It isn’t until they track down Matthew Whitaker, who brought nothing, that they realize why that essential pie was missing. He is confused when they ask him what dish he was supposed to bring, he has no idea he was supposed to bring anything. It is Pompeo who, in a rare moment of clarity, puts the pieces together. He frantically dials a number while Whitaker and Zinke look on. Someone picks up, and after a moment, Pompeo hangs up and says one word: “Sessions.”
The dinner begins two hours late. President Trump is not hungry, having eaten his regular 12 quarter pounders and 17 diet cokes at 3 p.m., not being able to wait for the Kroger pumpkin pie to arrive. The guests mill in, disheveled from the emergency drill when a very drunk Kavanaugh attempted to break in. Stomachs growling, they prepare to eat the now cold food. The table is finally set, with burger casserole taking center stage, and Trump begins the expressions of gratitude. This will go on for a number of hours — a Trumpsgiving to remember.
Tyrnan Prasad is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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