After seeing *whispers* the F-word on a resident’s Lawn room door this past month, a diverse group of individuals — bald, white alumni; white alumni with MAGA in their profile pic; white alumni that went to the University when it was an all-male school; and even old white men on Facebook who never attended the University — dared to say what nobody else was brave enough to say. That a university of people ages 18-22, chock-full of alcohol, drugs, nudity — it’s a tradition, okay! — and worst of all bad language was simply not child-appropriate.
Thankfully for all of us, the modern-day oil tycoons that make up the Board of Visitors demanded that the entire University, not just the Lawn, would be made child-appropriate immediately.
First of all, the BOV noted there was way too much inappropriate behavior occurring in dorms, including underage drinking, men wearing 5-inch inseam shorts but not shaving their legs and the use of various slang for genitalia that they had to search on Urban Dictionary to understand. So, starting next year, every dorm will have a RM — “resident mother” — live in the dorm with them to remind them to brush their teeth, make sure they don’t just eat ice cream for every meal and even cock-block any poor girl desperate enough to hook up in a dorm room. However, the motels will not be under these regulations as even the University could not pay someone enough money to live there.
The BOV also found the sugar-daddy aura of Coach Tony Bennett to be too sexual for young children, plus many men had complained that their wives immediately left them upon seeing his picture-perfect smile. Bennett will now have to wear a brown paper bag over his head, and any promotional video featuring him will automatically be X-rated. On the other hand, parents reported that E-School students were so smelly and disheveled that their children would cry on site. The Chemistry Building will now be used to give E-School students chemical showers before class and students will be encouraged to sit in their rooms alone as much as possible — although thankfully most of them do that anyways.
The BOV was also concerned about modifying every single class to make sure that there was no offensive material including covering things like the University’s history of enslavement and eugenics, but they were pleasantly surprised that the University already did not include this in any course.
Of course, underage alcohol consumption was the biggest concern for the BOV since University students really should be drowning their sorrows in cocaine like they do at the Ivy Leagues. Thankfully, Dean Groves gave the owners of Boylan a stern talking to about checking IDs at the door and was seen leaving with two Wahoos and wearing a “be at Boylan or be a B—h” t-shirt. As for the frats, well, the BOV understands boys will be boys.
Student groups are up in arms about this. Student Council, which for some reason thinks the administration cares about their opinion in the slightest, drafted an entire resolution that nobody will ever read. The Cavalier Daily Editorial Board also wrote a very well-crafted editorial that tens of people with less than 200 followers will retweet, including myself because trashing admin gets me Twitter clout. U-Guides, however, has yet to say anything since they’re scared of getting cut and having nothing else to talk about in their lives.
When asked to comment on these new policies, Jim Ryan simply rolled up his sleeves and created another do-nothing committee with people nobody has even heard of to address these concerns. When pressed further, he mumbled something about building bridges while quickly texting his PR team for help retracting a statement he had made earlier that Martin Luther King Jr. would not support using a bad word to make a point.
Eshaan Sarup is the Humor Editor for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at e.sarup@cavalierdaily.com.
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