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We’ve all been there — you’re taking notes in class when you find your attention slipping. Your eyes innocently fall on a classmate near you, also diligently taking notes, and that’s when you see it.
They’re writing with their left hand.
When you first notice this phenomenon — perhaps in kindergarten — it’s shocking. A little scary even, like seeing someone walking towards you upside down on their hands. Writing with the left hand? But the right hand is for writing!
You know that. I know that. And yet when you ask the teacher, in a panic, why that other student is writing that way, they just smile and shake their head.
“It’s normal,” they tell you. “Some people are just left-handed.”
And young as you are, you take this as fact. You begin to navigate a world filled with left-handed scissors, left-handed guitars and even left-handed notebooks. And you feel the wrongness of it all, but you just keep going, accepting the status quo.
Well, I’m here to set the world right — left-handed people are just pretending.
A recent study conducted by The Association of Right-Handed Skeptics has shown that in fact there is no evidence these self-proclaimed “lefties” have any actual reason to be writing with their left hand. They are just doing it to annoy you.
Haven’t you ever heard a “lefty” complain about how the world is designed for right handed people? And under your disgust, didn’t you feel kind of bad for them? That’s their play.
“Left-handedness,” or LHDD — left-handed delusion disorder — bears no connection to genes or neural pathways, and any research suggesting so has been ruled fraudulent by our team of scientists. This type of left-affirming research is actually funded by so-called left-handed “people” who are especially dedicated to keeping the conspiracy alive. Don’t fall prey to these so-called “geneticists'' and “cognitive neurosurgeons,” claiming to have studied in obviously made-up places like “Johns Hopkins” and “William and Mary.” Try to be a discerning reader — do those sound like real schools to you? No. Those are just people’s names.
Alleged “left-handed people” chose this burden. They chose to write in such a way that ink is immediately smudged. They chose to add unnecessary athletic challenges by catching with the wrong hand. In the past, young “left-handed” children have been punished by teachers and parents for not using their right hand and forced to do it the correct way.
In fact, the fist-bump was invented by “left-handers” as a technique to avoid acknowledging right-handed superiority through the handshake.
The hard truth is that it’s all an act — a worldwide conspiracy theory to make you and your fellow right-handed people uncomfortable. Wake up, America!
So, the next time you see your classmate scribbling away with their left hand, let them know that you know the truth. Show them that there’s a better way.
The right way.
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