This Thursday Conner Clem — Madison House volunteer, member of The Washington Society, vice president of Advocates for Insecticide Reduction, chair of three Student Council committees, founder and president of Young People In Support of Active Citizenship, Office of the University Registrar Fiscal and Project specialist, former resident advisor, consulting director for six non-profits in the greater Charlottesville area, opinion columnist for The Cavalier Daily and frequent contributor to the University Twitter — was declined an interview slot with Bain and Company for their young executives fast track program. The spot was instead awarded to John Sigma, economics and statistics double major and fraternity chapter president.
John “Jack” Sigma credits his interpersonal skills, the brotherhood and Crest 3D White for getting him where he is today. “Jack is just the best guy,” says his girlfriend. “He’s so deserving and I can’t wait to hear how the interview goes. Fingers crossed!”
In a press conference held on the Boylan patio, Sigma thanked his friends and family, but warned the crowd, “It isn’t easy, it comes with a lot of challenges. Like when your girlfriend wants to hang out, but you’ve got a midterm. Sometimes, you have to choose the midterm.”
A group of concerned second years watched from the street and at several points during Sigma’s speech they erupted in fits of protest, contained only by a row of Boylan Bouncers. “Should I even be pre-Comm?” one boy yelled from the sidewalk. “Should I join a fraternity? Give us more information!” Another young man told me afterwards, “I missed my sister’s wedding to study for an econ test. Should I have gone to my sister’s wedding?”
Conner Clem has declined to comment, but sources close to him say that he’s not taking the news well. “He’s holding up as best as can be expected,” said one of his roommates, “I mean, at this point we’re all just glad he’s eating again.” Clem has filed a request with both Honor and UREG to investigate the situation.
Dr. ReSearch, a member of the D.C. based think-tank CommOnSense has spent the last eight years studying such phenomena. “It’s actually far more common than you think. Individuals who divide their time between work and play, as opposed to an all-consuming devotion to the former, tend to do as well as — and sometimes even better — than their more academic counterparts. There’s currently no evidence to support this, but the prevailing theory is that the overwhelming sense of existential dread associated with spending your entire college career locked in a study room, actually inhibits the brain’s ability to perform optimally in test taking situations.”
Sally Obvious, who was among the second years at the Boylan press conference, explained her quandary — “I’ve spent the last two years sucking up to the president of the Banking and Investments Club, so that hopefully next year I can be President of the Banking and Investments Club. But I don’t even like banking or investments. I thought it would look good on my Batten and Comm applications, but if it won’t help me beat someone who’s spent their whole college career having fun, then shouldn’t I go have some fun?”
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