97, 93, 91 — if these were my class grades, I would be overjoyed. Unfortunately, the only time I see numbers like these is when I am pulling out my phone to check the weather app. I never knew that my hotness could affect the weather, but the past few weeks have proven otherwise.
When people complain about the heat, I can only shake my head in pity. If I could avail them of their plight as they slowly melt into a puddle of goo, I would — but my flawless skin just tends to have that melting effect on people. After all, when people talk about “glowing skin,” they are mainly referring to me. And to be honest, I think that people should thank me for making such a fiery appearance — after all, there is nothing more attractive than sweating 86 gallons of water per minute. Dermatologists hate me.
But if you are a poor soul who cannot handle the heavenly light radiating from me and definitely not the sun, be sure to slather some sunscreen on. While it may melt off you the moment you step outside into my presence, it’s the thought that counts.
Of course, with the dazzling heat also comes an unquenchable thirst. I don’t mean to be self-centered, but the term “thirsty” certainly comes up frequently around someone like me. To make sure you don’t die of dehydration, remember to keep a bottle of water to refrain from swooning and fainting at the sight of how hot I am.
If you try to walk outside and find yourself blinded by my beauty refracting off every surface, don’t worry. Bring a hat or sunglasses to cover your eyes and shield your frail mortal vision. If you want to go the extra mile, you can even bring an umbrella to provide some shade so as to not be roasted alive by my brilliant gaze. As hot as I am, don’t cry at the thought of being able to look outside without turning blind at the sight of me.
If you find yourself unable to handle my stunning looks, then take shelter indoors. Sometimes, the best way to deal with your overwhelming feelings is to hide from them. If the heat is simply too much to take, you can cool yourself off with some air conditioning. There is no need to fear offending me — I understand the paralyzing agony of what it is like to stand next to the pinnacle of beauty. For some, my glimmering visage may be too much to bear.
And for anyone doubting whether it’s me or the sun, think again. It’s September and leaves are already scattered all over the ground — the temperature cannot possibly be this high during a fall month. After all, climate change is not real, but my immense beauty is. By process of elimination, the only source of all this hotness is me.
So the next time you find yourself melting under the heat, take comfort in the fact that it is because you are basking in the presence of someone alarmingly hot, and not because of some mundane reason like the weather.
Read More
U.Va. Spirit Week 2024 dates announced
By Camila Cohen Suárez | 3 days agoStudent Affairs’ memo reads that “U.Va. Spirit Week will allow students to reflect on their role within the University system."
U.Va. “Tourapocalypse”
By Adair Reid | April 20, 2024Spring is a beautiful time for Guides to go on the offensive and really highlight the beauty of Grounds from the pollen-caked sidewalks to the lovely-smelling new mulch.
Dear Power Outlet, My Dearest Darling Love
By Maggie McHaty | April 17, 2024My dearest darling love, the concussion to my midnight snowball fights on the Lawn, the 2023 sewage flood to my Brown Residential College, I know I should not have come back.
