After a devastating 26-29 loss against the University of Miami, the Cavaliers still remain behind the pack with a 2-6 record. Facing pressure from outraged alumni commenting on every Virginia-sports-affiliated social media account and despondent students, Coach Tony Elliot finally let it slip — the record is actually part of the ritual sacrifice to the ACC Commissioner James J. Phillips.
“A little-known fact about the Commissioner is that he gets his life essence from the three worst teams in the ACC,” Elliot said after spending half an hour justifying the Chicago Bear’s performance this NFL season. “Boston College and Georgia Tech are staples, of course, but Duke actually just finished their turn last year.”
And when can fans expect Virginia to be released from gridiron purgatory?
“Yeah, I won’t be there to see that,” Elliot said. “And that’s assuming I make it through this season without getting fired.”
When researching previous examples of this ritual, some credible results turned up — Boston College has been a notoriously janky team since 2011 with middling or average records for the season. Of course, that should be expected from a school known for its freezing temperatures and insufferable student body — read “hockey school.” But as I analyzed the other schools that Elliot mentioned over subsequent seasons of disappointing football — Georgia Tech, Syracuse and obviously Virginia Tech — I had to admit it. The conspiracy has some weight to it — but the question was, how much?
“The stress of running an organization like the ACC obviously takes a toll,” a conference executive who requested anonymity said in a dark alley in the wee hours before dawn. “At first, commissioners went for smelling salts, ashwagandha, a little patchouli and sometimes ayahuasca if Clemson was tanking — but Phillips took it in a different direction.”
After gifting this executive a gift card to Raising Cane’s and having him sign an expertly composed fake Non-Disclosure Agreement, they elaborated on Phillips’ methodology.
“Basically, the man has a cryogenic chamber he marinates in five times a week,” the executive said. “While he marinates we play the highlights of the worst teams in the conference, audio included, over and over until he is consumed with rage at the fact that the ACC is dominant in every sport besides the one sport that both the elderly and the worst fraternity member you know hyperfixate on — football.”
The executive said that Phillips then is awoken from the chamber to make “expert business decisions” such as expanding the ACC by three teams on the other side of the country.
When asked how the fact that no ACC school besides Clemson has been even slightly successful in the college football playoffs within the past ten years has affected the Commissioner’s “marination” process, the executive suddenly transformed into a hologram of Urban Meyer circa his Jacksonville Jaguars tenure and disappeared from view.
Doug McCarton, a second-year manager on the team and a New York Jets fan, pushed back on the rumors surrounding Virginia’s record and Phillips.
“I mean, I just don’t think it’s that big of a deal. As someone who also gets looked down upon for their odd level of involvement in a sport they can’t actually participate in, I can’t judge how a man copes with it,” he said. “If we tank the season, we’ll get a higher draft pick anyway, and then we’ll be back to winning.”
When informed that that is not how college football works, Doug requested a minute to have an existential crisis at the Starbucks on the Corner.
Most students were indifferent to the still existent crisis, with many highlighting that the University’ status as a “basketball school” is enough to make the 2-6 record irrelevant.
“It’s depressing for sure,” Hayley Williams, a fourth-year College student attends games until she “can’t take it anymore” said. “But we haven’t really been contenders for years. And there’s so many other good teams on Grounds — I don’t see anyone mentioning swim and dive or tennis. I mean, I’m not about to go to a swim meet or anything, but football has only ever been about the aesthetic anyway. Why else would we have the Hill?”
To be fair, for most students, games are just that — another opportunity for us to take part in a shared experience. So what if that experience is slightly embarrassing and might start a few brawls when Virginia Tech arrives at Scott Stadium on November 25th?
The words of the anonymous executive sum it up — “Sometimes you just have to get creative and start sacrificing success for total insanity.”
Whatever keeps us out of the cryogenic chamber.
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