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Confessing Crushes 101 — A College Student's Guide in 3 Questionable Steps

From spilling coffee to spilling guts, here is how not to be alone this cuffing season

<p>Who doesn’t love a coffee shop with a perfect blend of caffeine and romantic ambiance, where spilled coffee can add a touch of drama to your encounter.&nbsp;</p>

Who doesn’t love a coffee shop with a perfect blend of caffeine and romantic ambiance, where spilled coffee can add a touch of drama to your encounter. 

Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.

Ah college, the realm of endless possibilities where dreams are forged and crushes blossom like wildflowers in spring. But if you are like me and would rather eat Valentine's Day chocolate all alone than confess your crush, your crushes might be dying premature deaths. Luckily, I’ve put together a playbook for love-resistant people like you. For the brave hearts yearning to spill their romantic beans, I present to you a crazy and totally unique three-step guide to ace confessing to your crushes. Afterall, there’s certainly no time to waste. With a delicate dance of charm, a dash of intellect and just a hint of audacity, you too can be booed up for Valentine's Day! Although these tips are slightly unconventional, they are designed to elevate your romantic life to new heights — whether those heights resemble a majestic peak or the lead up to a rollercoaster plunge, well, that remains to be seen.

Step One — The Subtle Stumble

Begin by casually bumping into your crush on Grounds. Ideally, this should happen near a picturesque setting. A library, for instance. Personally, I am partial to Clemons 4. As the social hub of our favorite dank, depressing dungeon of a library, it is an ideal spot that maintains an atmosphere conducive to casual collisions. But for those of you who are library-adverse and coffee-obsessed, Grit may be the most optimal option. Who doesn’t love a coffee shop with a perfect blend of caffeine and romantic ambiance, where spilled coffee can add a touch of drama to your encounter. 

Once you have picked your location and scouted your soulmate, casually bump into them. As you apologize for the collision, execute a well-rehearsed apology or a witty remark. “Falling for you is proving to be more stumbling than gracefully navigating” you might quip with a grin, creating an air of charming vulnerability. This approach not only sets a lighthearted tone but also gives your crush a glimpse into your endearing clumsiness.

Before attempting this scene, ensure that your stumbling act is as well-practiced as Shakespeare on the Lawn. Actual stumbling may result in genuine embarrassment and is not recommended for individuals with poor balance or a penchant for walking into walls. The goal here is to make your crush laugh, not wince. After all, in the rom-com of life, we are aiming for a happy ending, not a coffee-stained blouse or a blooper reel.

Step Two — The Sneaky Study Session

Now that the fish has been baited, you must transition from accidental collisions to prolonged encounters with the finesse of a ninja on a top-secret, super-spy mission. Invite your crush to a study session, choose a subject that creates smooth conversation while still maintaining academic rigor. Poetry, astronomy, or the love affair between data science and computer science should do the trick. 

Once you have successfully lured them into your academic trap, reveal your true intentions by saying, “Studying with you is like solving a complex equation — I cannot figure it out, but I enjoy the challenge.” As the moment hangs in the air, punctuated by the silence of contemplation, send a quick mischievous smile their way. 

Without skipping a beat, seamlessly transition to the next chapter of your academic banter, leaving them yearning for more of the intellectual escapade that you, the maestro of wit and charm, have orchestrated. Keep it light, keep it fun, it's math romance, our love equation's begun.

Step Three —  The Grand Gesture

After the hook, and line, it’s now time for the sinker. The ribbon on the Valentine’s Day bouquet, if you will. Or the pièce de résistance, if you prefer. Picture a spectacle wilder than Sean Kingston. Plan a spectacular event to confess your feelings, such as organizing a flash mob or hiring a mariachi band to serenade your crush during lunch. Even better, get the hottest sporting attraction — The Cavalier Marching Band — to play a rendition of a romantic song. 

Fair warning, flash mobs are best attempted in spaces where spontaneous dance is socially acceptable or at least tolerated with a smile. Picture your crush's surprise as the lively music begins and an exuberant display unfolds on the Lawn. As you take over the Rotunda steps, declare, “No need for magic tricks here, my feelings for you are as real as it gets. I might not be a magician, but I can certainly make the undeniable truth appear out of nowhere — I'm head over heels for you.” 

Be prepared for all possible reactions, including but not limited to, confusion, laughter and requests for a restraining order. But hey, if this doesn’t work out, you have at least acquired the ability to not feel shame.

Now, as you bravely embark on the rollercoaster of love equipped with a compass of charm, remember that love is not just an adventure —  it is a comedy special starring you as the fearless protagonist. After all, in the grand production of love, the best scenes are the ones that leave everyone smiling, even if they involve a few unexpected plot twists and a dash of second hand embarrassment. So, waltz forth with the elegance of a penguin in tap shoes. Twirl with the grace of a spaghetti noodle in the wind. Pirouette like a leaf in autumn's gentle breeze. With these three steps, may your crush be charmed rather than alarmed!

Warning — these steps are like a recipe from a cookbook that nobody has ever tasted. Please beware, attempting these may lead to laughter, confusion or an unexpected invitation to join the circus. Results not guaranteed!


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