Editor's note: This is a humor article published April 1 by The Cavalier Daily's Editorial Board in observance of April Fool's Day.
Following a few marginally positive editorials, many students asked us why we on the Editorial Board love President Ryan. We thought, on this auspicious day, it is high time we answer this question. The short answer is that we unequivocally believe that it is our institutional duty to fulfill the role of unwavering loyalists to the University — we are bootlickers, and we are proud of it.
The long answer is that U.Va. Today has been sleeping on the job recently, so we have had to step in. They are no longer the propaganda machine that they once were, and we fear that the vital unadulterated adoration of our sacrosanct institution and flawless president will cease to exist. In step with this, we urge students to follow in our subservient footsteps. Afterall, President Ryan deserves picturesque shoes.
Bootlicking is a time-honored tradition that stretches from Brutus to Henry A. Kissinger, encompassing very successful and famously cool individuals. In fact, many have argued that the practice makes the world go round — not to mention, walk stylishly while doing it. Despite criticism towards some of the most revolutionary bootlickers, one line rings true — don’t hate us because you ain’t us. We’ll be first-class on P.J.’s P.J.
In tandem with the laudable historical precedent of bootlicking, bootlicking boasts nutritional benefits. We asked a fraternity wellness chair about this scientific phenomenon — we don’t know which frat, we’re not invited to things — and he explained to us the chemical background of this nutrition. He said that there are lots of organic compounds or something, but don’t quote him because he’s getting clapped by Kevin Welch right now. Bootlicking has also been shown to have benefits in time management. For example, it saves the bootlicker the excruciating pain of having to think critically about a nuanced topic.
Because of this, we insist that there can be no space for debate about his majesty President Ryan. “Nuanced discourse,” which currently exists absolutely everywhere at the University, must become an institutional impossibility. The only way to end all this boring discourse is by putting Tsar Jim Ryan in complete charge of all happenings on Grounds. To be sure, it is hard to allow dissent under a regime of this flavor. However, UDems seems to be doing just fine.
Swipe out of our comments section for a second. Let us walk you through a hypothetical day in your life under His divine rule. Your alarm wahoowas at 5:50 a.m., just the perfect amount of time to get to your compulsory Run with Jim. After that, it’s time for 10 sets and six reps of repeating Great and Good, before moving onto your classes. History classes will be indefinitely sourcing Ryan’s book, and astronomy students will be tasked with theorizing a Ryancentric universe. Economics classes will remain boring. Every classroom, dorm and bathroom stall will be complemented by immaculate portraiture of the Sovereign’s beautiful, otter-like physique. Lick some more boots. Finally, make sure you’re back in your dorm by curfew. If you’re out past 8 p.m., you’re put on the Terrible and Bad list and referred to the Honor Committee. And as everyone knows, nothing is worse than having to hang out with Honor.
There may be some naysayers to a bootlicking agenda. Some may say licking boots is a little gross. This criticism is simply ridiculous — Jimothy is a man of great hygiene who would never mosey our Grounds with an uncleansed boot, and certainly not after our vow to lick them. Besides, he cares for us like a parent, and we, his children, suckle on the teat of his greatness and goodness. It is imperative that we address this irrational naysaying perspective in order to ensure as egalitarian a totalitarian system as possible.
The role of The Cavalier Daily’s Editorial Board is not solely the consensual cleaning of a millionaire’s shoes alone — for that, you need not look further than Student Council. Rather, our role is to indoctrinate the entire student body into eternal support for Jim Ryan and to convince them to engage in this soul-cleansing ritual of bootlicking. We will continue to act as a shining, totally-not-predominantly white knight against any and all criticism made against our Lord Jim Ryan. Long live the King — we meant president, of course — and happy April Fool’s Day to all.
The Cavalier Daily Editorial Board is composed of the Executive Editor, the Editor-in-Chief, the two Opinion Editors, their Senior Associates and an Opinion Columnist. The board can be reached at eb@cavalierdaily.com.
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