Editor’s Note: The sports desk of The Cavalier Daily wishes you a very happy April Fools’ Day.
As artificial intelligence grows increasingly capable of replacing humans, The Cavalier Daily has suffered the consequences. In particular, the sports desk was recently forced to undertake a swath of cuts to its personnel. Thanks to high-quality professional models that are now available to the average consumer, senior sports desk leadership is no longer required. This article describes the writers’ reactions to the news.
Xander Tilock, senior writer and fourth-year College student, has been on The Cavalier Daily for what seems like an eternity, serving most recently as a two-time sports editor for the 135th and 136th terms. Tilock was understandably shocked to hear that his services were no longer required.
“This some bulls--t,” Tilock said. “I will be taking my talents to the Yellow Journal and starting a sports section there. [Former sports editor] Michael Liebermann and [former former sports editor] Ben Istvan are coming with me. [Basically sports editor and senior associate] Thomas Baxter will too. We will be posting every article on Yik Yak, where people actually read news.”
Before staging a comeback at the Yellow Journal, Tilock will be diverting his attention towards performing as the drunk driver in the drama department’s production of “Natasha, Pierre & the Great Comet of 1812.”
Conversely to Tilock’s wealth of experience, first-year senior associate Sofie Keppler just got here. After serving on the desk for less than a year and as an exemplary leader of the women’s basketball beat, Keppler was excited about the prospect of joining a new publication — perhaps a testament to the poor work of the sports editors.
“Can I go to The Athletic now, too?” Keppler said. “If not, I guess I’ll just spend all my time boosting my X presence, maybe buy Premium so Grok can track my impressions. There’s always Bluesky or Threads as well if I flop.”
Second-year senior associate Ben McNiff was told that his football coverage last semester gained too much traction and that the softball beat needed someone less dedicated to providing strong coverage.
“Sad to see lamestream media is silencing me,” McNiff said. “Stay tuned for my upcoming Fox News interview on national television, which will come right after my appearance on Joe Rogan. My Netflix special will premiere in a month, and a podcast sponsored by a gambling company is coming this summer.”
McNiff also expressed his frustration with the sports editors, who consistently shot down his column proposals focused around next year’s Virginia football quarterback battle.
“You get three downs,” McNiff said. “Seems like the football team will have three starting-caliber quarterbacks … you see where I’m going with this? One quarterback per down is the future.”
Third-year College student Michael Liebermann, former sports editor and current washed-up senior writer, returned from a decade-long sabbatical to the news that he was no longer welcome on the sports desk. As it turns out, ChatGPT is not equipped to handle his color-heavy writing style.
“AI could never replicate my electric prose,” Liebermann said. “I used the word lambent in a soccer gamer once and I stand by it completely.”
Third-year Batten student Emory Huffman, the lone remaining sports editor, is relieved.
“When I edit any of Michael’s drafts, I have to carry around a thesaurus in my backpack,” Huffman said. “The idiosyncrasies of his writing style are exhausting.”
Liebermann refused to let the insult slide — he has since announced his plans to mount a revolution to regain control over the sports desk.
“This place has gone to the dogs since my editor term ended,” Liebermann said. “Hit me up if you want to join the coup. Looking for medieval swords and maybe a mace or two. Better be wearing your armor, Emory.”
The rowing beat is another one that received far too much coverage under the old regime. Third-year senior writer Eleanor Lynch was the primary culprit, necessitating her removal.
“One positive of this situation is that I can focus all of my attention on my Kalshi wagers,” Lynch said. “I've already bet on how many fewer clicks The Cavalier Daily is going to get without my contributions — expecting it to drop by 52.3 percent. I'm excited to get my money up.”
The Cavalier Daily’s analytics desk is standing by to provide another disappointing report at the next Junior Board meeting.
Other areas of the sports desk are undergoing cuts as well, particularly those that previously required a human touch. The need for human opinions no longer exists in the age of artificial intelligence. As such, third-year senior columnist Theo Moll’s job is not required.
“At least I can finally pursue my true calling. Catch me proselytizing for the Chance Mallory bandwagon from the Rotunda steps — that, or posting my takes on Reddit,” Moll said. “Shoutout Alexis Ohanian.”
These cuts have significantly diminished the workload required of the sports editors — as such, one of the two must go. Now that Women’s History Month has come to a close, third-year sports editor, washed-up ex-swimmer and resident New Zealander Aimee Crosbie was cut, a product of her general lack of American sports knowledge and inability to spell words in American English.
“I recognise that my colourful sourcing was not always favourable to the organisation, but I categorically refuse to apologise for prioritising humanised coverage of Virginia Athletics over the sterilised and homogenised output of a computerised summarisation tool,” Crosbie said, in British English.
Some of the Athletic Department’s sports information directors were pleased with the recent cuts. One SID noted that “these greedy student journalists eat all the food in the press box,” and that they need to “get their bread up.” Now, with no chance of eventually earning a salary in some far-off dream world, writers will have to find other ways to make nonexistent money.
“I guess I can save money now by cancelling my KenPom subscription,” Crosbie said. “I have a bone to pick with Emory and the Managing Board. No way that Chat knows the ins and outs of Virginia Athletics like I do. Think about who you’re really losing here.”
At the 2025 ACC Football Championship Game in Charlotte, N.C., Crosbie repeatedly asked Tilock questions in the press box, such as “What is an interception?” or “What is a Blue Devil?” With a mouthful of press box brownies — far too many brownies for one person to consume, mind you — Tilock said something to the effect of “I don’t get paid enough for this.”
Note: The previous salary for a Cavalier Daily sports writer was zero dollars per article.
We recognize readers may be disappointed to hear that our coverage will decrease in both quality and quantity, but Huffman is fully committed to the desk’s ChatGPT 5.4 Pro subscription and believes fully in its capabilities. Because The Cavalier Daily writing style already requires a copious amount of em dashes, he remains confident that the desk’s writing will sound exactly the same.
Huffman plans to focus future sports desk meetings on the evolving art of AI prompt writing. It is a difficult job, but it is one he is beyond proud to undertake for the sake of the desk.
“I just cannot express how excited I am to develop my friendship with ChatGPT,” Huffman said. “This is the beginning of a long, fruitful term as the all-powerful dictator — sorry, sports editor — for The Cavalier Daily’s sports desk.”
Rest assured that we will not be listening to readers’ feedback. The sports desk’s automated Claude AI agent is prepared to respond semi-substantively and with questionable accuracy to their concerns.
Any who have been financially affected by these cuts might wish to seek recompensation through Kalshi and Polymarket wagers on the men’s and women’s basketball transfer portals.
Ben McNiff, Sofie Keppler, Xander Tilock, Michael Liebermann, Eleanor Lynch, Theo Moll and Gemini Pro contributed reporting.
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