Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
The 2025-26 school year at the University has been riddled with an unprecedented surge in “emergencies,” warning texts and emails from Jennifer (J.J.) Wagner Davis, executive vice president and chief operating officer of the University, letting us know she is “very truly ours.” With this increase in alarming messages, University officials have deemed it necessary to increase the accuracy, efficiency and general dispersion of knowledge to the University community. With the time between an alarming event occurring and students finding out about it reaching an all-time low of 2 hours and 47 minutes, administration is now prioritizing the expansion of the University’s alert system.
Noah Tification, director of the University’s Alert Modernization Center, has been placed in charge of creating the new alert system recently announced as “U.Va.Alert+.” He shared his thoughts on the ongoing effort.
“After extensive conversations with University leadership and several highly productive meetings, we came to a shared realization that students may benefit from knowing what is happening around them,” Tification said. “U.Va.Alert+ will prioritize the most pressing issues like Virginia’s bipolar seasons, CavMan’s whereabouts and the state of the Corner.”
First, the new system will differ from previous efforts by alerting students to imminent weather conditions as they occur. Tification shared several real-world sample alerts from an internal test run conducted by the University a few weeks ago.
U.Va. ALERT: 9:12 a.m. Increased rain advisory with potential for flash flooding on 14th Street and Jefferson Park Avenue. Be advised.
U.Va. ALERT: 10:02 a.m. Rain advisory has been lifted. New advisory for snow. Potential for blizzard conditions and black ice. Stay safe.
U.Va. ALERT: 11:17 a.m. Snow advisory has been lifted. New heat advisory. Stay hydrated, Hoos.
U.Va. ALERT: 12:36 p.m. Tornado warning. Stay indoors and reach out to University Police for assistance. They will be able to help you tomorrow.
The Cavalier Daily’s correspondents initially questioned the legitimacy of these alerts, but Tification confirmed that each was based on real weather patterns observed at the University in a 24-hour period.
Another key piece of information University students must be informed on through U.Va.Alert+ is the “poppin-ness” of the corner. After the announcement, Paige Turner-Up, third-year Engineering student and tester of the alert system, shared her opinions on what kinds of Corner alerts the system should prioritize.
“I want a warning about the 7-Day Junior guys' TikTok activity. If they are out filming, then I want to know so I can stay home or stay away.”
Although University administration is not very familiar with having fun at the Corner — or in general — Tification was also a graduate of the University and former president of Kappa Wamma Damma. As a result, he has assured the student testers of the system that he will not rest until all students can safely shotgun a Bold Rock on the Corner or at least know the best place to do so.
Lastly, in recent months, CavMan has become notorious on Grounds for his mischievous antics, including “hacking” into student Veo accounts to take joyrides and sending students fake emails. An anonymous source reported that they received an email with instructions to meet CavMan at the Rotunda, then they got iced upon arrival.
The U.Va.Alert+ will feature a CavMan Activity Tracker, which will be activated during periods of heightened on-Grounds mischief. University officials emphasized that the tracker is intended to promote awareness, preparedness and appreciation of CavMan’s commitment to the bit. Results from a recent sample test have been released.
U.Va. ALERT: 6:58 p.m. CavMan spotted purchasing multiple Ice beverages at 7-Day. Avoid the area.
U.Va. ALERT: 8:12 p.m. CavMan observed hiding behind a bush near the Rotunda. Be advised.
U.Va. ALERT: 9:03 p.m. CavMan seen Veoing at high speeds toward the Corner. Estimated time of arrival — now.
The U.Va.Alert+ is set to be released in the coming weeks, with University officials optimistic about the added layer of “security” it will provide. Administrators remain confident that the new alert system will help protect the growing number of students. Tification has also been pleasantly surprised with the strong support and push for the update.
“Once again, the University’s commitment to protecting its image appears to have accidentally benefited its students,” Tification said.
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