This past summer, I hoped to gain experience in the professional world in order to better myself and learn the value of hard work. Also, I needed to make some money to pay for my People magazine subscription and buy Twinkies. Do they still make Twinkies? I’ve been hoping for some clarification on this for a while. I heard they stopped making them, but last time I was in a convenience store, I could’ve sworn I saw Twinkies on the shelf. I can only assume my eight-part editorial series — “Twinkies: Gone Too Soon” — that the local paper foolishly refused to publish somehow made its way to whoever’s in charge of the Twinkie industry and knocked some sense into them. Anyway, on the off chance the Twinkie business was alive and well, I needed a job.
I endured a long journey of applications and interviews, so I finished the summer with a wealth of knowledge about acquiring a job — knowledge that I will now generously share with you. Here are some Dos and Don’ts for all your future job searches:
— DO know your audience. Think about the place to which you’re applying. What might they like? More importantly, what might they hate? For example, I’ve found it’s not wise to wear your “I love animals — they’re delicious!” T-shirt to your interview at the cool, new vegan restaurant. Man, those vegans cannot take a joke.
— DON’T give references from your past jobs. They will ask you about this — it is a trap, dear reader. They will claim that they just want to know if you have any experience in the service and retail industries. Next thing you know, the manager from your last job (I’m looking at you, Rita) is on the phone telling your prospective employer all about the one time you accidentally set a customer on fire (HE SAID HE WAS COLD. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BRING THIS UP, RITA?)
— DO look out for others who might become jealous of your success. When the nice guy on the street offers to pay you only in cash to deliver unknown packages for him, you might think, “Sweet! None of those silly tax forms! Wait, is that cocaine? Nah, probably not — just think how many Twinkies I’ll be able to buy with all this cash! And I even get to meet with my boss in this cool alleyway instead of a boring old office!” I know, reader, it’s pretty exciting. But keep it to yourself, or beware — soon, people will get jealous of your sick new job, and they’ll start throwing around words like “known drug dealer” and “you have the right to remain silent.”
— DON’T lie about your abilities. The employers in this world have no faith. When you tell them you’re professionally trained in knife juggling, they will actually expect you to juggle knives. Next thing you know, the janitor’s ear gets cut off, and he’s threatening to sue you, and everyone’s getting all high and mighty, as if they’ve never dropped a knife or two before. So just tell the truth. Unless you’re really good at lying, in which case lie as much as you possibly can.
Hopefully, these tips will help you acquire a job. Keep your chin up and remember that it’s a learning process. Take me, for example. I learned a lot this summer. I never did get a job, but boy, have I gained some knowledge. One thing I learned is that they do still make Twinkies. In fact, I read the entire Wikipedia article on them, and apparently Hostess went bankrupt but some other company bought them out and started selling Twinkies again last July. Filled with gratitude, I sent that company a thank-you letter and attached my résumé, asking if they might like to offer me a job. I still haven’t heard back, but I’ve got a good feeling about this one.
Nora Walls is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily.
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