HOLIDAYS have a unique role in American life. Let's face it -- we're not a country enamored with tradition. Our tradition is breaking traditions. So in case you've forgotten the true spirit of an American holiday, I've assembled some tips you can follow in order to ensure your holiday is truly American.
Make sure to tell someone under the age of six that Santa Claus does not exist. Children should learn to worship reason as soon as possible. There is no need to delude them with fantastic tales about a fat man who brings gifts. Scientifically, the tale is riddled with flaws. It's a physical impossibility for Santa Claus, who would be hundreds of years old by now and rather obese, to slide down millions of chimneys in one night.
Then explain that even if Santa did exist, he would not reward the good children. Tell them that in the real world, good little children are stomped on.
Go see all the blockbuster movies released around Christmas. So what if the plots are the same as they were last year. The special effects are bigger, the fighting scenes are longer, and they require less thought than ever. Celebrities, who work so hard to be beautiful and memorize their lines, deserve your money.
Don't give your money to the Salvation Army Santas. It only encourages them to ring their annoying bells. Instead, when you see the Santa with his pathetic red bin, filled with nothing but a few pennies and a cigarette butt, walk by as quickly as possible, avoiding all eye contact. Tell yourself you once gave five dollars to a homeless person and therefore your charity duties for this life are filled. You should do the same thing when you see homeless people begging, loitering, offering to clean your car windows, or standing in front of shelters. Tell yourself the homeless spend any money they are given on alcohol or drugs.
Do not give gifts. Give only money. If you must purchase a gift, do not put more than five minutes of thought into the selection process. Buy Super K bath beads for the women on your list, and place a "Made In Italy" sticker on the bottom. Purchase Preferred Stock cologne for the men on your list. Or imitation Preferred Stock. Only select products that have a name brand, or at least place a name brand sticker on the generically bought product. You would not want your friend/relative to have anything less than what everyone else has.
Do not include a card. If you must, choose a Hallmark card. Nothing says "I care" like a corporately produced sentiment. Your friend/relative can relish in the fact that millions of others received the same exact poem.
If you absolutely must write a card of your own, first produce a generic form that can be used for all of your friends/relatives. "Dear Brother/ Sister/Friend/Boyfriend, I hope the holidays are seeing you well. I envy your position at the firm/school/ hospital/restaurant. Sounds like Carrie Madigan/Allan Mellig/John Doe is doing great. Happy Hanukkah/Merry Christmas/ Happy Kwanzaa, Your Friend/Your Sister/ Your Girlfriend." Be sure to include a typed sheet that delineates the activities of all your family members. Feel free to exaggerate or lie. For example: You sent away for a Harvard application for your son even though your son has a permanent Saturday morning date with his probation officer. You say: Bryan is being vigorously recruited by Harvard and generously gives of his time cleaning up the community roads.
Visit with your relatives and family for at least two hours. Talk about the weather. Refer to your life in the most superficial terms -- read off your activities and your classes. Tell them the names of your friends and the person you are dating. Do not indulge follow up questions. Nod your head with interest when your relatives discuss their lives, but secretly count the kitchen floor tiles.
Make fun of all holiday decorations -- especially giant nativity scenes displayed on people's lawns.
Buy a fake Christmas tree.
Stay indoors. Snow angels are for children. Nature should be conquered, not enjoyed.
Keep working until the last possible minute. If you are a boss, ensure your employees are at work until closing time on Christmas Eve. Ignore employees who ask for time off to celebrate other holidays. When an employee asks for time off, rev up the helicopter engines, cup your hand to your ear, and pretend you cannot hear them.
Get drunk off of spiked eggnog. This allows you to forget the fact that your life's meaning lies in the magnetic strip of your Macy's credit card. When you wake up, you can console yourself with the fact that you just gained two pounds.
Have meaningless encounters with the opposite sex on New Year's Eve. Tell your significant other you were abducted by a traveling troupe of millenarians.
Most importantly, when the holiday season comes to a close, make sure you are the one with the most toys.
(Kelly Sarabyn's column appears Wednesdays in The Cavalier Daily.)
Read More
KURTZWEIL: True financial aid must be transparent
By Paul Kurtzweil | 3 days agoThe implications and revelations of the lawsuit should inspire greater transparency at the University in order to ensure that financial aid is properly and equitably distributed.
SULLIVAN: Ramp up physical accessibility on Grounds
By Scarlett Sullivan | 5 days agoThe University must take responsibility for the inaccessibility of Grounds and work to promote accessibility for all students despite misguided laws.
EDITORIAL: Scapegoating students will not stop hazing
By Editorial Board | April 25, 2024Instead of retroactively responding to extreme hazing allegations, we, and especially the University, must begin asking more probing questions about the role of fraternal organizations on Grounds.
