DEAR FIRST-YEAR students,
Guess what? You're the new guys, so that makes you inferior. This is a social fact that you will want to keep in mind as you interact with your upper class friends and acquaintances that are more knowledgeable, even-tempered and intelligent than you are. This is something that upperclassmen often fail to inform their first-year friends of, but it is surely as true as Roseanne Barr's voice is beautiful.
The natural follow-up question that may run across your blank first year mind is "But how is it that I'm inferior? Aren't I the same as any other University student who once was a first year after all?"
That you'd ask it only proves your naivete. You are inferior because you are more stupider than upperclassmen in the same way that women are more stupider than men. Think about it. You have been in school for less time than upperclassmen, so they have had more time to increase their IQs. If you want to be less inferior, try to increase your IQ. Remember, you can do anything you put your mind to, such as increasing your natural intelligence. It's a plain fact that first years don't have well-cultivated IQs like upperclassmen do.
But first years are not concerned with increasing their IQs either. First years are generally too busy guzzling 40s and hooking up with neighbors to engage in IQ-improving activities. Your upperclass counterparts, by contrast, spend Saturday nights monk-like, copying manuscripts for the sheer academic pleasure of reproducing great works. It is not uncommon for upperclassmen to spend their evenings playing Scattergories and doing mathematics puzzles just for the Jeffersonian pleasure of discovery. The first-year species spends its evenings playing wholesome games such as beer pong and streaks the Lawn just for the Jeffersonian pleasure of discovery.
But there are other reasons, setting IQ acquisition aside, first years just don't crack up to the level of upperclassmen. I mean, can anyone name a single politico - a U.Va. term for someone who is a renowned leader of some important group on Grounds - who is currently a first year? Exactly, I didn't think so. The fact is that compared to everyone else, first years are notoriously uninvolved in the community. This is a tragedy and you are specifically to blame. Look to last year's first year class, some of them turned out to be politicos, but not a single one can be identified in the class of 2005. It's a big mystery what the admissions office was thinking this year, with so little to show for the class of 2005 on Grounds.
It's no surprise, though, that first years just aren't that smart and aren't really involved: Look where they choose to eat. Anybody that pays that much to eat food that is as appetizing as Roseanne is naked must be a few crayons short of a box. And it turns out that the first-year class makes this mistake en masse. It's not just one first year or some first years that are buying into their getting ripped off, it's every last one of them. Hey, first-year class, I've got a Rotunda for sale, come see me, we'll see if we can't work out a deal.
Don't get me wrong: At the University, everyone is equal, unless they are superior or they are inferior, in which case they are unequal. This is kind of how Mr. Jefferson felt about his slaves and that translated into his mentality about his university. This has since been part of the long-standing tradition at the University.
This is the best explanation we have to date for the University's widespread first-year segregation plan. Because first years are inferior, it is part of the University mission to quarantine them voluntarily to University seminars, whose entrance depends crucially on nothing more than first year status. In addition, first years live in so-called "first-year areas" located at McCormick and Alderman Roads. Here, first years are lumped together in tiny spaces with no air-conditioning and very few amenities. Anywhere else, this is called a ghetto. At Mr. Jefferson's University, we call them dormitories or residence halls. But make no mistake, it is where we "keep" inferior students. First years eat, live and bathe together and they do this apart from upperclassmen. But there really is no pretense about it; it's separate and it's unequal.
Enjoy your first year, but try to do something about your abysmal reputation.
(Jeffrey Eisenberg is a Cavalier Daily associate editor. He can be reached at jeisenberg@cavalierdaily.com.)
Read More
SULLIVAN: Ramp up physical accessibility on Grounds
By Scarlett Sullivan | 19 hours agoThe University must take responsibility for the inaccessibility of Grounds and work to promote accessibility for all students despite misguided laws.
EDITORIAL: Scapegoating students will not stop hazing
By Editorial Board | 3 days agoInstead of retroactively responding to extreme hazing allegations, we, and especially the University, must begin asking more probing questions about the role of fraternal organizations on Grounds.
EDITORIAL: Celebrating and reflecting on The Cavalier Daily’s independence
By Editorial Board | April 18, 2024Our independence grants us the ability to ask the hard questions and to say what University representatives cannot.
