Some of the inventions of today are quite harmful and ultimately detrimental to the human race. Electronic mail and cell phones are two primary examples. One might even go so far to say that they can be lumped into the same category as Britney Spears and scratch-and-sniff underwear.
Most people who use computers receive lethal doses of e-mail messages. No one actually reads all of their e-mail, because if they did they would become surgically attached to their computer terminals. Removal from this position is clinically impossible.
E-mail started to get bad when people began attaching things to their messages.
I used to enjoy reading e-mail from my family, until graphic pictures of dead squirrels started showing up in my inbox.
For some reason, my aunt in Kentucky feels compelled to snap a picture every time her pet dog slays a furry little animal. Her newfangled digital camera allows her to send images quite easily, so that everyone in the family can look at dead rodents and small birds while they eat breakfast and check their e-mail.
My aunt also likes to include useful information and statistics along with the photo, like the number of kills in the past week and what the squirrel ate for lunch.
In addition to the photos, I find these annoying things called "forwards" in my mailbox. They are completely useless, and must be sent by people who are surgically attached to their computers and cannot be removed.
Recently, I received a message about how a little boy's goat was about to die. The goat's very last wish was to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest chain letter started by a goat.
Apparently the e-mail had to travel around the world exactly 4,286 times in order to break the record, currently held by another goat in Kyrgyzstan.
The last part of the message said I had to forward the e-mail to at least 200 people, or else a herd of wild goats would come to my house and execute me.
I want to know who actually has time to read these kinds of messages. All of these people need to be locked into a large room with their own Internet, so they can spend their lives sending useless e-mails to each other.
But that wouldn't work because they all own cell phones and Palm Pilots, both of which can send e-mail. Thus, it becomes absolutely futile to try and stop dead squirrels and dying goat requests from filling up your inbox.
This is one of the major reasons we need to get rid of cell phones, which were invented so people could swap goat e-mails.
In addition, cell phones are dangerous because before we know it they will cause humans to walk around with their ears pointing to the ground.
This will happen because whenever a cell phone rings in a public place, no one can actually figure out whose phone is ringing. Everyone must then bend sideways and listen for sounds coming from their pelvic area.
Only the people who can adapt to their cell phones by walking on all fours will survive. Of course, these advanced humans must also be able to walk on three limbs and simultaneously use their fourth limb to talk on their phone. When this happens, monkeys and other primates will realize how ridiculous humans are and enslave them like in "Planet of the Apes."
The Europeans will undoubtedly be the first people to become monkey slaves, because almost all of them carry cell phones.
In fact, people in Europe who can't afford a cell phone buy fake ones and clip them to the outside of their pants. This way, whenever a phone rings they can bend sideways like everyone else.
But have no fear! There are workable solutions to this evolutionary disaster.
Congress could make the following laws to stop Americans from becoming monkey slaves:
1) All newborns will have cell phones surgically implanted into their brains. This will prevent spinal injuries due to bending sideways.
2) All monkeys and apes will be given cell phones as a preventive measure.
3) Monkey hunting will be encouraged.
These laws should fix most of the problems caused by cell phones. The only downside is that we might start a war with the monkeys. If the monkeys declare war, then our only hope is to distract them with lots of goat e-mails and pictures of dead rodents. That would be gorilla warfare at its best.
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