Okay, so you've finally moved all your stuff into your humble abode, which you'll dub "home" for the next two semesters.
But enjoy this first week of clean bathrooms and clean kitchens, because it won't last. Gradually, over the course of the semester, your new apartment will look less like your parent's house and more like a scene from "Animal House."
I found this out last year after I lived in an apartment with three other guys, who seemed to think that "cleanliness" was a strange religion practiced by monks living in the Himalayan Mountains.
Our apartment slowly transformed itself from a living space into a landfill. This happened because we failed to follow the example of most females, who feel it's necessary to construct color-coded, rose-scented charts and graphs to assign all house chores.
But this plan would have failed anyway. For one thing, a giant poster of Britney Spears took up most of our wall space. Blocking our view of Britney with something as silly as a chore chart was simply unacceptable.
And even if we had managed to put up a chore chart, we would have ignored it. For guys, cleaning the house is about as important as doing laundry.
One of my housemates actually attempted to keep a plant alive, but he failed miserably. He finally figured out the thing was dead when its leaves fell off after being watered for the first time in months.
We made up for our lack of plant growing skills by nurturing a home for flies instead. This was not difficult at all, since the mounds of trash provided a constant source of fly food.
We could have used the trash chute that was approximately two feet from our front door, but that would have meant hauling bags of trash over long distances.
The students living above us solved the problem by heaving their trash out the window. This meant we could never stick our heads outside, lest flying chicken bones and spaghetti swoop down and take us out on the spot.
We took care of the fly problem by closing the door between the kitchen area and the rest of the apartment. This effectively divided the apartment into two areas - one for the flies and one for the guys.
When the flies got tired of feeding on the trash, they attacked the giant pile of dishes that filled our sink. This pile was so large that we discovered it was impossible to collect water from the faucet.
We had to dig around in the pile for several minutes if we wanted to extract a plate or a fork. Then we had to remove even more dishes from the pile so we could fit the extracted plate or fork under the faucet for washing.
And when we wanted water we would get it from the shower instead of the sink, just because it was a lot easier than clearing sink space.
Our refrigerator got pretty nasty too. One of us had a habit of keeping leftover food in the fridge for months at a time. At one point, what was originally characterized as stew turned into a fermented, pasty lump. Eventually the lump became nomadic and began migrating to different parts of the fridge.
It even moved into the freezer and started to multiply. At this point, we let the stew have its own territory and stopped using the fridge altogether.
Only on special occasions - whenever a girl came over - would we actually care enough to clean the fridge, wash dishes or get rid of the flies. Usually we worked together to clean up the place.
One guy would wash dishes by hand for three hours, then take out the trash and wipe up all the beer stains while the other three guys played games on the Sony PlayStation.
Keeping our apartment filthy gave us a good way to figure out if a girl really liked one of us - if she came over to visit more than once, it meant she was still interested.
So if you're moving into your own place this week, I hope you've chosen your housemates wisely. Just watch out for flies and nomadic stew. As for me, I'm moving to the Himalayas to become a monk.
Read More
University gym culture uplifts student fitness
By Mia Tan | 4 hours agoFor these students, the most Herculean gym pursuits are less about achieving the build of a Greek god and more about building long-lasting, healthy relationships with the gym.
The triumphant return of Littlejohn’s
By Blaine Hutchens and Kate Johnson | 2 days agoThe revived Littlejohn’s presents a tasty and conveniently located, albeit pricey, food option for those looking for a taste of old and new.
Top 10 things to know before attending the Foxfield Races
By Malone Morchower | 2 days agoEvery year, students arrive in droves to watch the horses, bask in the sun and hang out with friends before finals and summer vacation.
