After Thanksgiving, Christmas, Yom Kippur, Ramadan, Kwanzaa and Chinese New Year, Halloween is my next favorite holiday. The night is full of delicious candies and not-so-delicious costumes (re: a man dressed as a cow with a sign that says, "Milk Me"). Halloween is also a night of scary tales (re: Ralph Lauren Polo has merged with Old Navy) and television specials. Through my undercover sources and my intense investigation, I've discovered that all of the major networks will be broadcasting a holiday special of "The First Halloween." And you're reading it here first, the plot for each one.
Disney version
Hal never wants to grow up, and he wants it to be Halloween every day. He talks to his shadow and wishes upon a shining star that he could remain a little boy forever. The star is really a fairy godmother who knows Hal is a good boy. Hal never does grow up because his godmother turns him into a pumpkin. And then his mother turns him into a pie and eats him.
Lifetime version
Hal is the mayor of a small pilgrim town. He leads church services and seems an upstanding citizen, but at night he stands outside houses with open windows and stares at the sleeping women. One day, a lonely widow wakes to find him in her room and she takes a butter churn to his head. In order to hide the body, she bakes him into a pie and eats him. Then she has a baby.
MTV version
Hal (Ashton Kutcher) is a broke college student who can't afford to celebrate Halloween. Xzibit comes to his house and takes his car to "pimp his ride." At the same time, Hal's ex-girlfriend, Amandiel (Britney Spears), is back from college and wants to get back together with him. Hal calls home to talk to his father and learns that his mother has left them for a professor at Harvard, Amandiel's current university. The two battle it out in the Inferno. Hal loses and falls into the flames. Amandiel is awarded with a pie of immunity, which she eats.
Sci-Fi version
Hal is living in the year 4050. The sun explodes and destroys Earth, except for a radioactive snake that has escaped on board the ship Hal is now on. While the ship, Omicron Mars Soyuz, hurtles through space at speeds of mach-18 (9 light years per space minute), Hal must battle the radioactive snake to save a human space colony. Hal discovers the snake's weakness is water and splashes some on it. He conquers it and joins the human space colony. The snake is baked into a Halloween pie, which the space colony eats.
Food Network version
Iron Chef Morimoto is challenged by Hal, an up-and-coming American chef. The secret ingredient is pumpkin. Chef Morimoto creates a delicate blend of lobster and turnip stuffed kiwis, with a sauce made from ground-up pumpkin seeds. His appetizer is a soup made from sautéing onions, pumpkin pulp and mango. Hal, the American chef, makes a pumpkin pie. Morimoto angrily destroys the pie with a flame, typically used for crème brulées. The judges laugh and call a tie, eating the remainder of the pie.
ESPN version
It is the Halloween Bowl and two undefeated pumpkin-throwing teams are meeting for the first time. There is tension in the air as members compete individually to see who can throw the pumpkin the furthest, the highest and with the most accuracy. The panel of commentators occasionally makes witty comments because they all used to throw pumpkins, back in the day when no one used steroids. Someone throws a pumpkin at another person's face. The move is called "the dirtiest play in pumpkin throwing history." The commentators eat pie and laugh at their own cleverness. It is sad they are old.
This weekend, instead of going out and "partying" and having "fun," I will be sitting at home, enjoying these holiday specials with delicious pie to keep me company.
Winnie's column runs biweekly on Wednesdays. She can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
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