Coaches' polls, BCS rankings, draft prospects, recruiting classes, strength of schedule, conference rankings, Heisman prospects, stat categories ... The list of regularly published football rankings is a long one.
All right, football fans, I give up. Resistance was futile. You want everything ranked, no matter how frivolous? Here's one to top them all: a ranking of all 86 Football Bowl Series team names, ordered by the quality of their college mascots.
I don't mean the guys dressed in plush on the sidelines, just the name of the team. Points are awarded for intimidation, creativity, rich meaning, style and the "X factor" - just sounding cool. Teams with slight variations, such as color descriptors, have been evaluated as one name; for example, the Army Black Knights and the Rutgers Scarlet Knights are ranked together with the Central Florida Knights.
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Without further ado, I present the Top 86:
1. Nittany Lions - Penn State\nStellar use of a local landmark - the Nittany Mountain near the campus - to evoke pride and ferocity.
2. Hoosiers - Indiana\nThe best of the resident names. Sounds blue collar yet classy.
3. Sun Devils - Arizona State\nSun and Devil work together like chocolate and peanut butter.
4. Mustangs - Southern Methodist\nAll-American and exciting, like the car.
5. Lobos - New Mexico\nCreative use of the Spanish word for 'wolf.'
6. Longhorns - Texas\nIt's like 'bull,' but scarier.
7. Razorbacks - Arkansas\nIt's like 'hog,' but scarier.
8. Aztecs - San Diego State\nExotic and dangerous.
9. Seminoles - Florida State
A Native American mascot that's tasteful but powerful.
10. Crimson Tide - Alabama\nEasily the best name that uses an abstract, indefinite noun.
11. Midshipmen - Navy
12. Pirates - East Carolina
13. Rebels - UNLV, Mississippi\nConnotes a fighting spirit and (light)sabers.
14. Wolverines - Michigan\nI can't not think of X-Men.
15. Cowboys - Oklahoma State, Wyoming
16. Broncos - Western Michigan, Boise State\nRunner-up best horse name.
17. Huskies - Connecticut, Northern Illinois, Washington
18. Terrapins - Maryland\nIt's like 'turtle,' but scarier.
19. Gators - Florida\nIconic but cartoonish.
20. Bobcats - Ohio\nSuch an underrated, underused cat name, as opposed to Wildcat (see No. 54).
21. Fighting Illini - Illinois\nGreat Native American tribe usage. Too bad it's such a mouthful.
22. Golden Gophers - Minnesota\nWeirdly likeable.
23. Blue Devils - Duke
24. Yellow Jackets - Georgia Tech\nIt's like 'bee,' but scarier.
25. Miners - UTEP
26. Warhawks - Lousiana at Monroe
27. Jayhawks - Kansas\nCreative, though it makes me want to cross busy streets dangerously.
28. Vandals - Idaho\nI fear for my personal property when Idaho comes to town.
29. Spartans - Michigan State, San Jose State\nPrepare for glory!
30. Demon Deacons - Wake Forest\nPoints for creativity, but it's too strange and over-the-top. Good effort.
31. Ducks - Oregon\nIf you think ducks aren't scary, then you haven't been bit by one as you tried to feed it bread. I still have nightmares about a black duck named Jenkins from Great Country Farm.
32. Mountaineers - West Virginia
33. Chippewas - Central Michagan\nNamed after a Native American tribe, but too difficult to pronounce: CHIP-uh-wuhs.
34. Gamecocks - South Carolina\nA good, albeit distracting, name.
35. Owls - Rice, Temple, Florida Atlantic
36. Bruins - UCLA
37. Tarheels - North Carolina
38. Bulls - South Florida, Buffalo
39. Wolfpack - N.C. State, Nevada (Wolf Pack)
40. Bearcats - Cincinnati\nI'm so confused. Bear? Cat?
41. Red Wolves - Arkansas State\nWolves are underused as team names.
42. Ragin' Cajuns - Lousiana Lafayette\nSome people love this one and some hate it. I fall somewhere in the middle.
43. Commodores - Vanderbilt\nOnce, twice, three times a lady.
44. Warriors - Hawaii\nThe school recently changed the football team name from "Rainbow Warriors," which is much more awesome and would have placed in the top 20.
45. Cavaliers - Virginia\nWe're middle-of-the-pack. Memorable, but not particularly terrifying.
46. Knights - Central Florida, Army (Black), Rutgers (Scarlet)\nBlack > Generic > Scarlet.
47. Horned Frogs - Texas Christian
48. Hurricanes - Miami
49. Falcons - Bowling Green, Air Force
50. Cardinals - Louisville, Ball State
Isn't intimidating unless you're a seed.
51. Sooners - Oklahoma
52. Panthers - Pittsburgh, Florida International (Golden)
53. Eagles - Boston College, Eastern Michigan, Southern Miss (Golden)
54. Wildcats - Arizona, Kansas State, Northwestern, Kentucky\nOnly Bulldogs and Tigers are more common as a name.
55. Raiders - Mid Tennessee State (Blue), Texas Tech (Red)\nWhy do raiders require a color?
56. Cyclones - Iowa State
57. Utes - Utah\n"My Cousin Vinny," anyone?
58. Tigers - Clemson, Missouri, LSU, Auburn, Memphis
59. Hawkeyes - Iowa\nSounds cool until you think about it. So, its team is just the eyes? What about the rest of the hawk?
60. Bulldogs - Georgia, Mississippi State, Louisiana Tech, Fresno State\nFive schools use Bulldogs. It's the John Smith of team names.
61. Bears - Baylor, California (Golden)\nOn its own, fine. With Golden, awful. Seriously, why are there so many 'Golden' mascots?
62. Rams - Colorado State
63. RedHawks - Miami (OH)\nThe wacky capitalization ruins it for me.
64. Thundering Herd - Marshall\nMakes me think of farting.
65. Cougars - Houston, Washington State, BYU\nAlso known as the Sexually Aggressive Middle-Aged Women?
66. Cornhuskers - Nebraska\nCorn has to be husked if we're going to eat it, but don't worry: Nebraska has our back.
67. Green Wave - Tulane
68. Blazers - Alabama-Birmingham\nI think they mean dragons, not jackets.
69. Volunteers - Tennessee\nI bet these guys would destroy another team at running a soup kitchen.
70. Boilermakers - Purdue\nLook out! They make boilers! You better run!
71. Aggies - Texas A&M, New Mexico State, Utah State\nRead as: Farmers.
72. Rockets - Toledo\nThis was probably scarier during the cold war.
73. Badgers - Wisconsin\nDoubles as a synonym for 'annoys.'
74. Beavers - Oregon State\nI won't touch this one.
75. Buffaloes - Colorado\nIt badgers me (see No. 73) that they use 'Buffaloes' instead of 'Buffalo' which is how my fourth-grade teacher taught me to write it.
76. Orange - Syracuse\nThe color or the fruit? Either way, awful.
77. Buckeyes - Ohio State\nIt's like 'acorn,' but scarier.
78. Golden Flashes - Kent State\nCameras don't work without them.
79. Trojans - USC, Troy\nThe Mustangs (see
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