HEALTHY
Stay hydrated. Hydration is important. Your blood is 82 percent water and everything important going on inside your body has to do with the blood. Your lungs? Those suckers oxygenate your blood. Kidneys? Filter your blood! I know this because my younger brother told me. I took dumb science classes in high school because I didn’t want to do science projects and now all I know is that hydration is important. I drink so much water now. I used to have ideas. I used to read. Now all I think about is where the nearest toilet is.
SMART
If your understanding of science is limited to what information the web has to provide on the formation of geodes (gas bubbles within volcanic rocks are filled over time with dissolved minerals, a process which can take thousands or even millions of years) then you’re going to have to find another way to sound smart. Charlotte, you ask, shouldn’t my natural curiosity lead me to fountains of knowledge? Won’t life experience make me wise over time? Yes, but there are a lot of jerks who are going to interrupt you constantly while you’re talking to them and it is of utmost importance to gain the upper hand in these situations. We can look up how galaxies are formed later but right now you have to fake it. But how? TED built a whole industry on faking intelligence by providing their viewers with easily digestible concepts they could bring up at dinner parties, but if you actually go on the website most of the talks are either about going blind in an unusual setting or are pointing out the fact that something exists. Mark Ronson is up there with his be-stickered laptop asking “Have you heard of this thing called sampling?” Yeah, Mark, I have but I know the 57-year-old millionaire in the third row hasn’t so you keep doing your thing, honey.
So, when corporatism can’t help you, who can? I can. Me. Charlotte Raskovich of The Cavalier Daily. I’m going to give you four words that can dismantle the ego of anyone pontificating in front of you: That’s a false dichotomy. When you actually say it it will come out more like, “Uh, well, that’s a kind of a false dichotomy, isn’t it?” because then your enemy has to admit that it is. The best part: whatever half-baked idea this kid is putting forth probably IS based on a false dichotomy! Because he’s limited in his thinking and because much of modern Western discourse relies on framing the world within binaries! But back in the 60s a few erudite and ambiguously homosexual French guys invented post-structuralism! Which you can apply to putting the type of person who talked down to you in high school in his place! You win! Build a small shrine to Foucault and enjoy the A- in your 2000-level philosophy class, champ!
BEAUTIFUL
Slather yourself in coconut oil. When I say slather, I mean slather. Moderation is for the dry-skinned birds. Coconut oil is kind of expensive so if you need to rob a Whole Foods, you rob a Whole Foods. Be the most glowing criminal on the market. People will see your mug shot and be like, “What’s up?” Your skin will become soft and vaguely tropical smelling and the increased blood circulation from always rubbing oil onto yourself will make you warm so during a cold winter’s night you can hold someone you care about and say, "It's okay. The world is harsh out there but close your eyes and pretend we're two rich divorcees at a resort in Bali. The waiters are encouraged by their superiors to flirt with us. Your name is Larissa St. James. You’re okay.”
Charlotte Raskovich is a Humor editor.
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