Listening intently to the two gentlemen seated next to me on the bottom floor of Clemons Library discuss their boisterous escapades from the previous night, I concluded that everyone else on the floor must hear their conversation, too.
As they discussed the various types of alcohol they consumed yesterday in whispers that merely the surrounding tables could hear, I felt intense grief that everyone on the floor was missing out on their exciting discussion of the previous night. “I don’t even remember how I got back at 4:35 a.m.,” one of them quipped. Forget my 1,000 word paper tomorrow, this story just turned epic. I decided right then and there I would not do anything else, much less my stupid paper, until everyone else on the entire floor could hear them. Right now their conversation was only within the reach of about 50-60 people. What a loss! It should be heard by the hundreds, even the thousands. And to make matters even worse, at the tables 25 feet away, just outside the range of their discussion, students were busy working on probably important papers and assignments without the slightest clue they were missing out on the most exhilarating conversation the world had ever heard.
Now it was time to plan. How can I help the determined, studious University students around me quit writing their stupid papers and start listening in on insane tales of college fun? I excitedly began brainstorming. I first noted that other noises in the room could potentially make it more difficult for everyone on the floor to hear the conversation. I needed to figure out a way to minimize the other noises in the room so that their story can be heard by even more people. However, I then realized that miraculously every single other person on the floor was silent creating almost perfect conditions for talking to permeate throughout the room. How lucky can I get?
With the issue of other people’s noises completely eradicated, I next set my sights on how to amplify the volume of their discussion. Megaphone? Too expensive. Speaker? Too heavy. Wait, I got it! I could just ask them to speak a little louder! Man, I am a genius. My best friend once told me I was about as smart as a fifth grader, so clearly I am intelligent enough to star on a TV show. My best friend is just the best. Anyway, I digress.
As I pondered what happened to the lighting in their apartments during their blackouts, I leaned in to offer my suggestion. “Hey, could you guys speak a little louder so everyone else can hear you?”
The most shocking thing happened next. Instead of speaking louder like I suggested, they did the complete opposite and became completely silent. It’s like they were doing exactly what I didn’t want just to spite me. How rude. I mean they stopped mid-story and became silent like literally every other person on the floor. Now I’ll never know the end of their conversation. I am such an idiot.
As I surveyed the other people seated around me, I made eye contact with a girl at the table across from me. Nodding her head, she proceeded to give me a giant two thumbs up with a large smile on her face. Great, I had really screwed up. She was clearly pissed that she wouldn’t know how the two gentlemen’s night ended either. I simply couldn’t take her mocking and ridicule anymore. I decided to go for a drink of water. As I walked over, a guy added insult to injury when he said laughingly, “I can’t believe you actually had the guts to say that! They obviously weren’t being loud enough!!” I couldn’t agree more. They just weren’t being loud enough so that everyone else on Clemons Bottom Floor could hear their conversation, and I just ruined everything. I sadly moped back to my seat in the library and sat down. With complete and utter silence on the floor, I finished my stupid paper in 30 minutes and went home. I blew the chance to help everyone else in Clemons hear their amazing tale of raucous debauchery, and I couldn’t feel more terrible. Next time, I’ll just be silent.
Ben Yahnian is a first-year in the College.
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