The ideal job for my specific skills and goals would be one in which I bury myself in a hole. Every day I would show up at 9 a.m. on the dot and rake sand over myself, whispering, “Yes, very good, the perfect job.”
My past experience includes perching on my elbows and knees in front of my laptop with the blankets tucked around me. I look like a snail when I do this. I could be a snail making spreadsheets for you.
In fact, snail slime has been found to be an effective healing agent. Snail farmers in Chile noticed that their wounds would heal faster after being exposed to the slime. Just goes to show you that what you think is just an insignificant and kind of gross animal might actually give your company soft hands.
I am an organized, task-minded and efficient person. These are the external traits that I will present to you in this job. Internally I am a single ongoing shriek.
Why do I want to work for your company? I want you to own me. It’s not for the steady paycheck. Of course I don’t care about the pay, I’m so passionate about the work you do, I swear I will not leave you or ask to be treated with dignity. My favorite food is the jargon you will feed me. I want to be your dog. Take me.
One mistake I have learned from is the time when I was eight and had an allergic reaction to soft serve chocolate ice cream. The mistake was eating soft serve chocolate ice cream two more times at two separate zoos. If you give me the chance, I can promise you I will not eat soft serve chocolate ice cream on company property.
A time I have been frustrated at work is when I was low-key texting my younger brother during work hours and he hadn’t seen Twin Peaks and didn’t really sound like he was going to and I was like “GLENN, you’ll LOVE it,” and he was like “Charlotte, please, I’m taking a test right now.”
Your company could be improved by increasing inter-departmental communication and by hiring someone with an adequate knowledge of herbal remedies. Suppose your top IT guy is feeling under the weather but he is not sure why. Now Amanda from accounting can’t access her email and doesn’t see that the big meeting has been pushed forward an hour. As your unofficial witch doctor I will pump your IT guy so full of ginger tea and burdock he won’t know what’s real and what’s just something I read was good for you on the Internet.
In five years I see myself as dead from a car accident because I mixed up my right and left and subsequently hit the gas and crashed into a midsize sedan.
You won’t regret taking me on. You won’t regret anything anymore. After today you will feel okay forever. Drink this tea.
Please please please give me this job. Oh, it’s an unpaid internship? Okay, whatever.
Charlotte Raskovich is a Humor editor for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at c.raskovich@cavalierdaily.com.
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