Hatesbirds262: Hey reddit, I’m a 36-year-old man from western PA, and when I was 12 years old an errant sparrow hit me in the throat, paralyzing my vocal cords and permanently keeping my voice in a mid-pubescent range. Ask me anything?
imarealboi: What were you doing that a bird hit you in the throat?
Hatesbirds262: I was in my backyard goading birds. I would mock their calls and then do a thumbs down fart noise combination after every call.
imarealboi: Why would you do that?
Hatesbirds262: Because I hate birds.
imarealboi: Oh, a sparrow striking you in the throat and paralyzing your vocal cords wasn’t the reason why you hate birds?
Hatesbirds262: No, but I can say it did not help.
noYousuck: What happened to the bird?
Hatesbirds262: The sparrow is dead. He died on impact with my throat. He was not given a funeral.
Sparrowsaremyfriends95: Isn’t that a harsh thing to do to a sparrow?
* user Sparrowsaremyfriends95 has been blocked for being abusive and harmful *
Slimyguy143: What exactly is wrong with your voice?
Hatesbirds262: My vocal cords are paralyzed, so now I sound like I am 12 years old in the middle of puberty, even though I am a grown adult man.
Slimyguy143: Wouldn’t paralyzing your vocal cords mean you can’t speak?
Hatesbirds262: When I say paralyzed, I mean they have been traumatized to the point of not progressing past the age at which they were viciously attacked by a small bird. I’ve been to many doctors and they are uncertain how to treat it.
Slimyguy143: That’s probably because that’s not a real thing.
* user Slimyguy143 has been blocked for being abusive and harmful *
Reallyintojobs: What do you do for a living then?
Hatesbirds262: I make ASMR videos for corporate executives and finance types. They love ASMR videos. Most of them are just head massage roleplays, haircut roleplays, stuff like that, but a big majority of them are incredibly sexual. These guys pay a lot of money to have a 36 year old man softly whisper incredibly sexual things to them.
Schoolboypoo: Were you picked on in school because of what happened to you and how your voice sounded?
Hatesbirds262: I have only ever gone to the Sylvan Learning Center for my education, but yes all of my tutors there called me “Quaker boy” because of the way my voice quaked when I talked. Then the local Quaker chapter of western Pennsylvania heard about this and made sure to lambast me in all forms of media for “incorrectly appropriating quaker culture” and for being “that weird kid that got hit in the throat by a bird.” Regardless of what you believe, Quakers can be incredibly mean.
Homebody44: What’s your home situation like?
Hatesbirds262: I live alone, if that’s what you’re wondering. I have a basement apartment in a small suburb of Pittsburgh. It has to be a basement apartment because every time I stand near a window and anything flies into view I freak out and spill hot drinks on my chest. You could say, “Hey man, stop drinking hot drinks near windows,” but to that I say that drinking hot drinks near windows is the only pleasure I get out of my life now. So, yeah.
Homebody44: ...you’ve got a sad life dude.
* user Homebody44 has been blocked for being abusive and harmful *
Patrick Thedinga is a Humor editor for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at p.thedinga@cavalierdaily.com.
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