Hot girl summer might kill me but at least my corpse will be cute

hu-tweetscreenshot-megantheestallion

Megan Thee Stallion, show me the way!

Tweet from Megan Thee Stallion ( https://twitter.com/theestallion/status/1151528790906081281 )

If you have been feeling like the beautiful, powerful women in your life have been more beautiful and powerful lately, you should know that it’s more than a feeling — they really f—king have been. If I were not a humanities major I might do some sort of graph or poll here to make my point, but I’m majoring in history and government so numbers are basically broken letters to me. You’ll have to take me at my word. On my honor, I pledge that every single woman in the world has been on an unquantifiable but undeniable glow-up this entire summer. Why? Because it’s hot girl summer, baby.

If you’re confused about what exactly hot girl summer is, allow me to explain. Houston rapper Megan Thee Stallion — who also goes by the names of “Hot Girl Meg” and “H-Town Hottie” — set the stage for hot girl summer in May with the release of her album “Fever.” Her fans, who call themselves “hotties,” then initiated hot girl summer: not just a catchphrase, but a movement which encourages women to pursue their needs and work on themselves. Hot girl summer is.

In order to best explain the phenomenon, I asked a fellow hot girl — who prefers to remain anonymous in order to maintain her hot girl mystique — to define it in her own words.

“Hot girl summer! It’s everything, you know? Be a bad b—h, get your money, care for yourself, and get d—k. That’s what you have to do, that’s hot girl summer.”

So, what does hot girl summer look like? At its core, it is intense self-care. Hot girl summer prioritizes women taking care of themselves holistically. Hot girl summer is willed transcendence. Hot girl summer is about weaponizing your willpower to elevate yourself to turn yourself into most powerful, attractive and successful form. But here’s the thing — while there is value at the heart of hot girl summer, there’s also a lot of value derived from its public reception. Much in the same way that you can’t be sure whether or not a tree makes noise when it falls if you aren’t around to hear the crash, no one can be sure that you’re having a hot girl summer unless they get to bask in your glow. 

My hot girl summer started off well. I set goals and I made plans. I decided to spend more time with my friends, patch myself up after a rough semester of illness and injury and attain the kind wealth where I could afford to have more than two kinds of mustard in my fridge at any given point. But here’s the thing — working on myself and my finances has really limited the amount of time I’ve spent on my aesthetic. I feel like I’m letting Madame Thee Stallion down and it’s killing me. I have not done a single photoshoot this summer. I have not yet brunched with the girls. I haven’t posted a thirst trap … ever. No one knows I’m having a hot girl summer! The money and self-discoveries I make this summer will mean nothing to me if they are not directly validated by my attractive peers, and I am not even giving them the opportunity to gas me up.

Now August has just begun, and what do I have to show for it? I’m hotter, I’m more financially secure, I see my friends more — yes, duh. But I’m the only one who knows, so it means nothing. Megan Thee Stallion told me to live my truth and my truth is just that I am not cut out for hot girl summer. At this rate, I have come to accept that the amount I have been working has hastened me along in my race to an early grave. This is not a fate without hope: at least at my funeral, people will be able to see the results of my hot girl summer for themselves.

Lucy Hopkins is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.

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