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New study on dreams proves you need a therapist

Humor columnist Kate McCarthy interprets your stress dreams.


What’s that quote about dreams again? “If you dream it, you can ... overanalyze it and learn that your mind is a scary place?” 

It’s midterm season again, when dreams become the preferred alternative to reality. Although I can’t stand listening to other people’s dreams, I love describing mine in excruciating detail. Call me a hypocrite while I get elected as the president of a secret society in my sleep. It doesn’t matter that my victory was ripped away from me. I basked in glory while it lasted, and my acceptance speech was — well, you had to be there.

Speaking of historic victories, psychologists have finally cracked the code to the human brain on sleep. A new study lays out the official meanings of dreams.

First, the study reveals that dreams about teeth symbolize a fear of smiling. Wait, that’s why everyone looks so emotionless all the time? I was wondering why nobody laughed at my jokes. It is okay to smile, guys — I believe in you!

Dreams that involve flying mean that your socks shrank in the washer and are now constricting your blood flow. Those poor little feet are begging to escape! If this happens to you or someone you know, do whatever it takes to obtain larger socks. 

The study also touched on dreams involving public nudity. These dreams signify that your time has come to streak the lawn, if you haven’t already done so while sleepwalking. If you dream about not finding a bathroom or swimming in the ocean, please wash your sheets.

Being chased in a dream represents a repressed urge to play tag. Despite ongoing demands for a playground on the Lawn, University President Jim Ryan has announced that the “work hard, play tag” policy won’t take effect until 2025. In the meantime, psychologists recommend bringing together a few friends and announcing a dawn-to-dusk game of tag. You’re it!

Additionally, celebrity encounters imply an excessive exposure to late-night talk shows. If you’re watching two Jimmys in one day, you’ve gone too far. If you know why Pete Davidson has three dogs, find a hobby — sleeping, maybe?

The new study also reveals that finding a secret room in a dream confirms that it’s high time for a closet expansion. Dig up the old childhood hammer and knock down a wall or two. 

Another common dream is being unprepared for an exam. Oh, wait — midterms happen in real life. My bad. 

The study also notes that if intruders are breaking into your house, you should probably set up some kind of security system. Worry about your dreams later.

Despite these monumental findings, there are still discoveries to be made in the field of dream interpretation. Unfortunately, the psychologists hung up on me when I described my recent dream, in which I performed a stand-up routine while wearing a shirt with a built-in wet wipe dispenser. I will make a public service announcement once they respond to my 27 voicemails.