Well team, we’re back at it again. Last year, I gave you a list of the top five cults at the University and a quick run down of just what you’re getting yourself into. Now we’re back with a whole new list. Sit down and buckle up — these groups are so culty, they rival The Cavalier Daily itself.
5. Second Years
Sophomore, derived from the Greek — “wise fool.” These kids reek of vomit, hubris and the distinct scent of the Boylan bathrooms. Bow down, because they’ve figured out how to get into frats, into bars and into each other's pants. But don’t worry. They’ll humble themselves when that tight-knit first-year clique they swore never to surrender falls apart because Becky really gets on Avery’s nerves but Avery won’t talk to Becky about it, so they just don’t hang out anymore, but Avery lives with Claire, which means that Claire and Becky don’t hang out anymore, but Avery lives across the hall from Sophie, who’s still really close with Claire, even though Becky slept with one of Sophie’s best guy friends and he never called her back, all of which is complicated by the fact that they all sincerely hate each other.
4. Spin Girls
Maybe they’re addicted to the endorphins, maybe they like the camaraderie or maybe it’s just the aesthetic. These ladies have certainly got the uniform figured out, but you may have to do a double take to notice cause they’ll breeze past you faster than you can say athleisure. The swing of their ponytails can be best equated to the fall of the guillotine. These are the sorority girls that don’t take executive board positions, but seem to care more about the sorority than exec. Either it truly is a life changing workout, or these girls are on drugs.
3. Echols Kids
There’s two types of Echols Scholars — the ones who love telling you where they lived their first year, and the ones who hate telling you where they lived their first year. Some are bright enough to have learned humility. Others can spell it, define it, use it in a sentence, give you the pallady of origin — but are still working on the practical application. They may look down on we the people, but they don’t hate you. There’s only one group they truly hate — Jefferson Scholars. Big Brother is always watching.
2. Chi Alpha
This pyramid scheme is ripe for the mocking. To many first years it may seem like the perfect solution — they’re so nice! Don’t be fooled. You’ll take a donut from a tabling event and next thing you know they’re knocking on your door, asking for money and your left kidney. They’ll tell you drinking is wrong, but in reality, spot-the-Chi-Alpha-kid-at-bars is the only drinking game you’ll beat them at. Don’t drink the kool aid — especially if it’s served to you in a mug — and if I go missing, check under the Hub.
1. People Who Have Their Laptops Open On The Patio of Trin
Did you know hard liquor is conducive to studying? These kids exude the work hard, play hard mentality more than anyone I know. They’ve got tabs — on their laptops and at the bar — and if they took a shot everytime someone said “networking,” they might start to feel it.
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