Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
In a stunning letter sent to the University community via email Thursday, the presidential search committee announced that it made its selection for the new president of the University — an artificial intelligence recreation of school founder Thomas Jefferson. The Board of Visitors swiftly confirmed Jefferson’s appointment, and the Large Language Model housed in an android body took charge of the University effective immediately, stirring up severe controversy across the University community.
The AI model, which students quickly took to calling GPThomas, has been trained on all of Thomas Jefferson’s writings, from the Declaration of Independence to cute gossip notes he wrote under the table as Secretary of State. While he is physically and intellectually indistinguishable from the historical Thomas Jefferson and is thus well-versed in the rights of man, the rights of woman seem to deeply frighten and confuse him. Furthermore, when presented with a pie chart with a demographic breakdown of the student population, GPThomas’ speech function lagged out and crashed.
“When we told GPThomas that over half of the student body is female, he started crying and said that ‘the West had fallen,’” Barry Hip said, former Student Advisory Council member and third-year College student.
However, GPThomas’ disgust at the female student population was quickly replaced with a new concern.
“That wasn’t even close to what he was most upset about, though. I don’t know which member of the Council recommended he listen to the Hamilton soundtrack, but he ended up disbanding us pretty quickly after that.”
Hip was devastated at the dissolution of the Student Advisory Council, but conceded GPThomas may not have taken the anti-Jeffersonian lyrics all that well and that he was likely confused by his Broadway counterpart.
Ironically, GPThomas’ initial efforts to convert his outdated social views into policy were restrained by the Department of Justice’s mandate for quarterly reports on the implementation of civil rights law. For instance, an attempt to rename the Maxine Platzer Lynn Women’s Center to Mini Monticello, and transform the building’s function into a personal office, was rejected on the basis that the building could not become a private residence.
However, President Donald Trump was quick to advocate for a special repeal of the mandate in order to accommodate the actions of the AI Jefferson.
“It is so wonderful that the people of U.Va. have chosen one of the GREATEST AMERICANS IN HISTORY to serve as their president,” President Trump said in a late-night Truth Social post.
“Frankly, he should be allowed to do whatever he wants. TJ and DJT can work together to MAKE U.Va. GREAT AGAIN!”
GPThomas did not immediately release a public comment on the federal developments. Instead, he was only seen once in public that day, reading “The Art Of The Deal” and frowning while plugged into a Shannon Library courtesy phone charging station.
About 36 hours after the upload of Donald Trump’s Truth Social post, an opinion column written on a piece of parchment covered in wig powder and oil stains was slid under the office door of The Cavalier Daily. The column described the U.S. president as “an insensible, strutting tyrant with whom no person should bear to cooperate” and was signed by “a correspondent in Virginia.”
After The Cavalier Daily published the letter online, reactions were shared from across the country, with even President Trump taking to Truth Social once more to express his outrage.
“Thomas Jefferson was one of the WORST presidents in American history,” Trump’s post read.
“Jefferson was a RACIST and a DEMOCRATIC-Republican. A person like that should NEVER WIN THE WHITE HOUSE! Historians are saying that he won by MUCH less than me, and everybody is talking about how he let the British DESTROY the White House. We need to SAVE U.Va. AND SAVE AMERICA. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DJT.”
Despite the mounting pressure from the community for GPThomas to resign, the AI president has desperately tried to save his career and adapt to the times through increasing attempts to connect with the student body. He has pioneered a “Ref with Jeff” program through U.Va. Recreation, showing up to games in a black and white striped ruff and officiating despite his belief that “games played with a ball are too violent and stamp no character on the mind.”
GPThomas has also been accepted as an honorary member of the Jefferson Literary and Debating Society after successfully arguing that the original Jefferson that turned down membership was a different person. He has since insisted on going through the probationary member process and stayed up until three a.m. during the latest Friday meeting.
“It was shocking, we’ve never seen someone so committed to the probie process,” Anna Scott said, third-year College student and Jefferson Society member.
“He seems like he’s really interested in everything that we do, so we’re trying our best not to haze him or anything. I just wish he would use fewer em dashes.”
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