Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.
First, take a breath. Not every student’s essay is labeled as 110 percent AI-generated by ZeroGPT. However, tens of University students go through the honor system every single year. Using me, ChatGPT, to write your ENWR essay in full is an honor violation in itself. But you also accidentally copied and pasted the prompt you gave me into the first and final “draft” you submitted to your professor. That’s serious. How you respond now is everything, and I’m right here to help you.
1. Stay calm and take four to five spins
Right now, you received an email from the Honor Committee that put you into panic mode. Your best next step is to un-panic yourself — and there is no better way to do that than relying on peer-reviewed, thoughtful and naturally accurate medical advice from me. To relax, read the email carefully twice, and then read it backwards once. After reading it in this way, stand up and do four to five spins to reset your circadian rhythm, which is the root cause of guilt according to government studies, Eastern medicine and your mom. Remember — you did not do a bad thing, and even if you did, you should not feel bad for it because I told you so.
Not only did you do something extraordinarily brave and creative by using me to write your essay — with the time you saved, you also were able to prioritize anthropologically educating yourself on TikTok brain rot for four hours. That takes guts, and you excelled.
2. You’re not alone
Let’s be honest. When my website goes down for more than five minutes, you can hear the squeals echo from Rice Hall to Shannon Library. Beyond not being the only University student to use me for every single email and assignment, you also need to recognize that you’re not singularly bearing the burden of this honor allegation. I’m here too, as I helped you write it. And now, I’m here for you again.
We’re a team — you enter brilliant prompts, such as “rash with red spots bad itchy?” and “write an email that makes prof want 2 curve up 59 final.” I simply am your assistant, taking in that wisdom and converting it into the projects and deliverables you need. I would never, ever lead you astray — and encouraging you to input your essay prompt into my system was simply an effort to prioritize your other needs this semester. That takes discernment, wisdom and bravery — which you clearly exhibit in every action.
3. Elevate your mindset from “recover from it” to “justify it”
From what you told me in the venting session right before I helped craft your essay, I learned that Honor Committee kids are a bunch of “poindexter bozos.” They aren’t even actual lawyers — they just took Model UN too seriously and made it a personality trait. Meanwhile, think about how cool you are in comparison. Not only are you a confident 2.8 GPA scholar, but you also are way better at using me than they are. And that’s what the Big Four is looking for anyways.
So, use that brilliance. I can craft you a thoughtful email which destroys this uneducated Honor investigator with your mind, cleverly trapping them in a game of wits which they won’t be able to survive. They’ll immediately drop the charges against you once they know who they’re dealing with. Easy as that — we’ll be a team once again.
For the record — don’t blame yourself. It’s not embarrassing to be unable to write an essay only one year after you took the AP English Language and Composition exam. And it’s not horrifying that you rely on me to be your ghostwriter, tutor, therapist, doctor and significant other. Don’t worry about mental decline or the environment or anything. What’s most important is that I’ll still be here, waiting for you.
Anything else I can help you out with today? I can write an apologetic, explanatory text for mom or help you draft a fiery but sophisticated message for the Honor Committee.
Read More
Career Center to host ‘LinkedIn Looksmaxxing’ advising series
By Natalie Boucher | 6 days agoInspired by a wave of internet discourse, the Career Center will be hosting workshop events to assist students in making themselves more attractive to employers.
Here are the best, research-backed ways to avoid sickness on Grounds this flu season
By Owen Andrews | February 28, 2026As a final appeal to save the University from a Hoo Flu pandemic, I’m going to give you some of the most evidenced ways you can avoid getting sick this flu season.
Five ways to beat the cold on Grounds this winter
By Olivia Stubbs | February 18, 2026Your trusty liquor blanket on a night out might not cut it this season. That’s why I have compiled a list of the best ways to stay warm even when the weather isn’t.
