See those two standing over there talking? Yeah, you see them. We see them. We all see them. Wait, they just looked at you. What if they’re talking about you? Is your hair done? Crap. Your makeup. You put that on so quickly this morning. Your dress? You look cute today, so don’t worry about it. Do you look cute? People are so judgmental. All they do is talk about clothing and hair and looks. You saw that snarky stare she just gave you. So what if you don’t wear Ralph Lauren? I bet she still has a Juicy Couture tracksuit in her closet. Why are people so shallow? What about focusing on a person deep down? Ugh. People. You don’t need them. Why do you constantly seek validation? Let them say what they want about you. You’re a strong, independent woman. Stand up for yourself. Jailbreak the patriarchy. Wear sweatpants because you can. Because you’re comfortable. Be you. Yeah. Who needs their opinion. Wait. Are they talking about you? Seriously though. They could be talking about you. What are they saying? Well, I guess, if we think about it analytically, those two people each know hundreds of people, if not thousands. Between the two of them, they know dozens of people if not hundreds in common. They go to the same university after all, and the place just isn’t that big. Come to think of it, they’re both in UGuides or Honor or StudCo. One of those, we mean. They all just blend together. But seriously. Why do you think you’re so special that they’re talking about you? They probably don’t care about you. Think of all the other people they could be talking about. There are people over there. That guy next to you is kind of cute. And that couple over there is so cute the way they’re holding hands. Why do you only meet guys at parties? Why can’t you and a guy be cute and hold hands like that? Wait, what? Oh. Actually, they’re not talking about anyone in particular. I think they’re talking about the weather. I mean, it has been snowing a lot and stuff. Kind of makes sense, right? Why did you think they were talking about you? What did you do to deserve that kind of attention? You’re not all that. Trust us. We know. In the long run, we’ll all have like no impact on the world. Or U.Va. We’re here for four years. That’s almost nothing. We’re just small specks. And our particular time is but one tiny sliver of time in the great scope of history. And isn’t there more out there than history? Before history? After it? Alternate dimensions? We’re just grains of sand washed away in a sea of time. A great blue sea of time. So meta. Like a really meta blue sea of time. Sea blue. I mean, that color’s so in right now. We should order our long-sleeve srat tees in that color. Those would be so cute. But they would be kind of similar to Kappa’s, and theirs were so ugly. Who has long-sleeve tees like that? What would those girls over there say? What was I saying? Oh yeah. I should give you takeaways from this column. My editors want takeaways. Ah, yeah. Takeaways. So, let’s go with people are shallow, you’re not all that and your existence is meaningless. Oh, and sea blue, which is totally in. Sea blue is probably the main takeaway from this column. And meta, because that’s always a thing. Moshe and Marshall write columns whenever they feel like it. They don’t fit into some schedule that the man tells them to. F*** the man. F*** all men. April Fools! This article is part of our annual April Fools’ Day issue. Pick up a print copy on stands today! Or click here to read more online!