Welcome to O’Hell

My God, you people actually paid for this?

Ramsey here. I’m best known for my role as Satan on the popular television program, “Hell’s Kitchen.” Currently tied with Bill O’Reilly for most insufferable personality on Fox’s payroll, I have recently found further success on the network’s program “Kitchen Nightmares.” I offer my services as a sadistic chef who verbally abuses the aging owners of failing restaurants, before teaching them how to properly prepare various meals over the open flame I breathe from my own nostrils.

I have come to this University to right the many wrongs committed by the elusive body known as U.Va. Dining. After my first week berating defenseless dining hall workers behind the kitchen doors at O’Hell, it’s clear the work I’m doing here is as important as it is noble. These students need me.

On my first visit to the dining hall, I encountered piles of bananas greener than the beer Trinity served on St. Patrick’s Day and apples so soft they may as well have been lying on the ground of Carter’s Mountain Orchard since September. Every single dish seems to contain the same strange combination of spices that fell just shy of flavorful and erring on the side of painful and disastrous. Even I could not burn anyone as severely as that stir fry burned my tongue.

My first order of business was to address the pitiful lack of options afforded to these students. People, you can’t just feed them grilled chicken every day — they’re going to grow beaks and feathers. And to that end, it’s a miracle these birds aren’t still clucking themselves, seeing as they’re so undercooked.

And don’t get me started on the people who work in that poor excuse for a dining establishment. Kelly the Sandwich Lady seemed blissfully unaware that sandwiches, by definition, keep their contents within the bounds of bread — not strewn about to be singed by the toaster. And why does she have to be so coarse? These employees are kitchen nightmares themselves and useless at effectively pan-searing individual Cornish game hen — every single last one of them.

As my time as head chef at the University comes to a close (what, you thought this would last?) it seems highly unlikely I’ll be able to create any sustainable change around here. From what I hear, the Board of Visitors really only hopes the dining hall can keep these changes in place just until the last session of Days on the Lawn is finished. Then, it’s back to off-brand Froot Loops for all of you.

Gordon is a hellish guest columnist who bullied us into running this. He can probably be reached via email but we wouldn't recommend it.

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