Oh man, do I ever love Wikipedia. I'm gonna arbitrarily assign old 'Pedia a male gender for the purposes of this rant because, in fact, he's like my pal.
Anyway, the guy is amazing. I did some rough guesstimating of how many times I've solicited his services of epic knowledge, and about 3,277 of the past 3,294 times I referred to his databanks, I found out exactly what I needed to know. It doesn't stop with straight-up information, either. Perusing the Esperanto section of the site, I believe at this point I am pretty much fluent in that failed utopian language. He's pretty much the best friend I've ever had, and all he asks in return is a steady Internet connection, which I can often provide.
People sometimes muse about what it would have been like to be friends with Jesus back in the day, with all the knowledge and the teaching. But I'll bet if you asked Him to describe the fleet of the Ethiopian Air Force, He might hesitate for a second, because a) planes and Ethiopia proper didn't exist yet and b) that's kind of an obscure topic. You ask Wikipedia with an offering of broadband, and wham-bam-thank-you-Sam! They've got 21 Mikoyan MiG-21 fighter jets, originating in the Soviet Union. Wikipedia is so great that sometimes I can't even sleep at night.
But all is not well. I know the rumors. I've heard what people say about 'Pedia. They say that because of his very nature as one of the "wikis," collaborative Web sites can be directly edited by anyone with access to it (guess who I'm directly quoting there?). The term comes from a Hawai'ian term for "fast" (taken from that same wonderful source). Anyhoo, they say that makes it unreliable, that any Joe Shmuckington from down the street can hop on there and put in completely erroneous information, tarnishing the integrity of such a massive institution.
They. Professors. With their peer reviews and their dissertations and their books with real pages crafted of our world's fine trees -- Wikipedia also taught me that most paper is made from wood -- they don't believe in the legitimacy of this newfangled inter-web. But the information superhighway is not going to give me a paper cut! The truth of the matter is that some of the world's leading experts in their respective fields are so eager to share their knowledge that they will put it all out there for the citizens of Internet City to read, with their reward being the satisfaction that the world is a slightly better place because knowledge is power.
You can try to avoid Sweet Mother Internet, read all the works of one author or scientist or historian or doctor, become an expert in his work and even his particular concentration if you want, and maybe that will bring you happiness. But I am of a different breed, that is, the short attention-spanned. We are the jacks-of-most-trades, the Renaissance men of our age. Wikipedia is my muse, and I contend that if I were to learn all of its secrets and share all of its knowledge, I would never ever need to know anything else ever again. Certainly I could finally win Mellow Mushroom's Trivia Night for once, except for those stupid Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan questions. Plus it gets kind of hot in there on summer nights, so I'll wait till it gets a little cooler out. And maybe next time they won't sprinkle that stupid Parmesan cheese on my crust when I ask them not to. That stuff's just messy, man!
So yeah, I'm gonna get to work on some technology that'll give me all of the vast wisdom of Wikipedia. The future is now! I'll be able to semi-knowledgeably discuss really high-minded topics and it'll make academics think I'm really well-read -- which is ironic because they seem to look down on 'Pedia. I might finally be able to tie a tie too, and maybe even a bow tie. Eventually, I could probably take over the world, too. You know why?
I'll give you a couple of guesses.
Because knowledge is power.
My mom said that was really clever, if not depraved and disturbing, and that I should write that down in this column.
She is my biggest fan.
And I am Wikipedia's biggest fan.
Erik's column runs biweekly Thursdays. He can be reached at silk@cavalierdaily.com.
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