I woke up this morning just as I usually do: with my alarm blasting the Spice Girls classic, “Wannabe,” one less sock than I’d had on when I went to sleep, and the disappointing realization that, once again, my crazy adventure with Snoop Dogg had only been a dream. I stared at the ceiling as Posh Spice serenaded me, and I thought to myself, “You know what I should do today? Offer some unsolicited advice.” I’m kind of like the Oprah of the people-who-don’t-know-Oprah world when it comes to giving advice. But who was to be the target of my uninvited wisdom? My roommates had instituted a speak-only-when-spoken-to rule, and Obama wasn’t answering any of my letters, so the obvious choices were out. As I sat there thinking, my phone lit up with a text from my mother, and that’s when it hit me: who should benefit from my advice today? The parents of the world, of course!
Now, I’ve never had a kid, and I don’t plan on it for a long time, but I don’t think that makes me any less qualified to offer advice on the subject. I decided to take a page from the book of my hero, Fox News, and make bold claims without offering any evidence to support them. So here are some of the best parenting tips from someone with absolutely no parenting experience:
Rule Number One: Name your kid something awesome.
I cannot stress this enough. Everybody thinks it’s all nice and sweet to name their kids after relatives, but let me tell you, you are not doing your child any favors. You want what any parent wants: for your son or daughter to instill fear and admiration in the hearts of all the other kids. Hoping to honor Uncle Bob by carrying on his legacy through his name? Well, I’ve got news for you. Nobody is going to be scared when little Bobby rolls up to the playground. Do your son a favor and name him something badass like Megatron or Captain America. Or Chad.
Rule Number Two: Your kid might suck, and that’s okay.
If you take all the right prenatal vitamins and pray to The Magic Stork or whatever you believe in, you may just luck out and get a child prodigy. Smart, kind, talented — the kind of kid people see and think, “Man, that’s a great kid. I wish I could trade in this crappy kid I produced and get that one instead. Wow, my entire life is a disappointment.” If you’ve got one of these children, I commend you, but the sad truth is that many of you will get stuck with the lame kids. There’s really nothing you can do but settle in for a life of watching them get picked last for the kickball team and take Cousin Sue to prom instead of a real date. Better luck next time.
Rule Number Three: Tell your children that you adopted them from a special agency that allows children to be sent back at any age.
Fear is the best disciplinarian.
I hope these tips will help you to be the best parent you can be to little Megatron. For further help, you may want to contact my mom and dad, since they raised me and I turned out so fantastic. My brother’s a bit of a square, but hey, you can’t win them all.
Alternatively, get a dog.
Nora Walls is a Humor Writer.
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