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Four relatives who deserve their own holidays

Just when it seemed like all the Mother’s Day hype was finally dying down. Just when it seemed that for the next 11 months we could finally forget about the women who gave birth to us, nurtured us and made us into the people we are today. Now here comes Father’s Day to annoyingly remind us of the men who taught us valuable life lessons, who showed us the tough love we sometimes didn’t know we needed, and who, at the end of the day, were always there for us growing up, even in the times we felt the most alone. If you audibly groaned while reading that sentence, first of all, you’re not alone. And there’s something that may help. With Father’s Day right around the corner, here are four different relatives to celebrate, and maybe knock those loving parents off their high horse.

Grandparents 

This one’s pretty obvious. Who better to celebrate than your own parents but their own parents? Whether your mom or dad is good or bad, they wouldn’t even be here to begin with if it weren’t for grandparents. Who else can make the wistfully insensitive remarks they do at family gatherings and get away with it? Who else could sit around watching CNN all day, then call you out of the blue to shout “We’re in big trouble!” before even saying hello? Who else can, in a single conversation, insist that you not impregnate any girls at college and conspicuously palm you a 20-dollar bill with a wink and a look that says “knock yourself out”? Long story short, grandparents are the bedrock of any healthy family, and they deserve to be honored just as much as the men and women who lost weeks of sleep — and probably years of life — in order to take care of our infant selves. 

Second Cousins 

I’ll never forget the last thing my second cousin ever said to me. “Hello! I’m your second cousin, Nick. My grandpa is your dad’s uncle. It’s nice to meet you.” It was at a wedding for another second cousin of mine whose name I don’t remember. Their impact on our lives may not be the most consistent, or even the most obvious, but boy if it isn’t up there with the most meaningful. In fact, why leave any of the cousins out of it? Instead of fathers and mothers, celebrate any cousin who isn’t a first cousin. That includes third cousins, fourth cousins, and heck, even fourth cousins twice removed (which means one of their great-great-great-great-great-grandparents is the other’s great-great-great-grandparent). It’s 2018. They’re part of your family, and they should be recognized as equal to the people who paid to keep you from dying of disease and starvation for two decades.

Anyone who married into the family 

They’re just as much family as anyone else. It doesn’t matter that Lynda (yes, with a “y”) is 49 years young (making her 22 years younger than your divorced Grandpa Al). It doesn’t matter that she showed up to Thanksgiving tipsy and got the dog drunk from a flask in her purse. And it doesn’t matter that she stole the birthday check your Grandpa sent you to buy Valium. Just like Grandpa Al says, she’s an important member of the family and she should be treated as such. Just like every other relative who married into the family — older or younger, gold-digger or not — should be. Hey, you think it’s easy for them? That’s why next Father’s Day or Mother’s Day, say thank you to all the second spouses in your family, instead of your parents who’ve done nothing but bring out the best in you and love you unconditionally.

My Uncle Dan 

Dan really can’t catch a break. But hey, in this economy, who can? At least that’s what Dan always says. He’s been married four times to three different women, and is currently employed as a delivery man by the local pizzeria. But he picks up a little extra money on the side selling grain alcohol that he makes in his bathtub to kids at the local high school (but don’t tell his parole officer). He’s from Boston, drives a motorcycle, and is probably one of the coolest people I know. And if you needed any more proof, he’s been to freaking China. So this Sunday, instead of taking time out of your day to thank the man who taught you how to play catch and tie a tie, give my Uncle Dan a call and yell “Go Pats!” He’d really appreciate it.

Will Smith may have said it best: “Parents just don’t understand.” That’s why, this Father’s Day, whether it’s a grandparent, second cousin, second wife, my Uncle Dan or any other underappreciated relative who wasn’t there when you were born and didn’t watch you grow from helpless child into the strong young person you’ve become today, tell them that they mean something to you. Take them out to dinner, and have Dad pick up the check.

Jess Miller is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com

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