This morning, an alleged U.Va. official has stated that we are in a state of emergency as beloved CavMan seems to have disappeared. They announced that last night, CavMan was safely put in his double-vaulted, eye scan-protected chamber after his daily cleaning. However, when they went to check on him this morning for his daily polishing and pampering, they simply saw an empty stand. The news has caused great anxiety and fear among the University’s student body with Cavaliers begging for their beloved hero to be safely returned to his chamber.
Every individual who has ever worn the CavMan suit has been questioned, but all surprisingly have strong alibis. Despite the popular opinion that CavMan has been stolen from us by some school led by a strange-nosed turkey, others believe that he might have just walked away out of sheer embarrassment for our current football stats. Some first-years say the beloved mascot might have retreated to a cave for hibernation, believing that CavMan was actually a caveman. While many dismiss the latter opinions as ones that carry “negative energy,” I believe that CavMan's potential autonomy should not be dismissed.
As a proud Cavalier and member of The Cavalier Daily, albeit the Humor Section, I have taken it upon myself to investigate this matter. Earlier this evening, I met with an individual who refuses to be named or state anything on the record. We shall call him “Invisiman.” Sneaking into Scott Stadium, I sat beside this hooded figure as he gave me his interesting story.
Invisiman said that he was walking on abandoned Rugby Road when he saw a man on a horse galloping towards him. He then jumped into the bushes as he thought he was in the presence of a famous horseman known not to have his head. I could only imagine his surprise when there was not only an actual head attached to the rider but a goatee as well! Invisiman claims to have seen CavMan riding into the dead of night. While this is an incredibly believable story, one detail seems off. An abandoned Rugby Road? Inconceivable. I moved on to my next clue.
While at Scott Stadium, I located the ominous chamber where CavMan slumbers and did some investigating. How I accomplished such a breach of security, I will never tell, but what I found shall be shared. Despite being an English major, I used my knowledge from that one forensics class I took in high school and the various episodes of NCIS I secretly watched while my mother thought I was busy playing with my Barbies to investigate. Using my phone camera, I shined a light on my surroundings. Upon seeing absolutely nothing and realizing that my phone was on two percent, I left.
Exhausted from the effort, I returned home, eventually giving up on the case entirely. Maybe CavMan did not want to be CavMan anymore. Maybe he was a pacifist. Maybe 20-something-year-old college students weren’t enough to fill the hole in his chest. Maybe the U.Va. official just misplaced him. Who knows? Let’s just hope that wherever CavMan is and for whatever reason, he knows that we support him.