Editor’s Note: This is a humor column.
Virginia is now set to have its first female governor. Although this is a notable moment for women regardless of who takes office, students know that the fate of gay marriage, the prevalence of Republican makeup on Capitol Square, and the members of the University’s next Board of Visitors all hinge on November’s decision.
On account of this all-too-soon election which will have huge consequences for the University, each candidate agreed to speak in a University-sponsored town hall this past Friday, located in Minor 125. However, each candidate’s individual plans for nominating members to the Board of Visitors was established as an off-limits topic. “The element of surprise” was cited as the reason for tabling a conversation with major implications for the direction of the University.
For those of you — yes, you — who don’t know, the two candidates are Abigail Spanberger, a radical centrist, and Winsome Earle-Sears, a God-fearing Christian wimp-annihilator. Spanberger, winning by over 12 percent in the current polls, has taken a substantive lead over Earle-Sears thus far. But if the past year has taught us anything, it’s that we should expect the unexpected.
Offering starkly different perspectives on politics, the candidates verbally wrestled to make one thing clear — under their respective terms, Charlottesville nightlife will be wetter, hotter and more American than ever.
Spanberger, for instance, emphasized her concern over what she calls “bevflation” — the devastating spike in alcohol prices.
“Charlottesville bars and restaurants are cruelly taking advantage of a student population that is chronically broke and highly thirsty,” Spanburger said.
She also noted the related socioeconomic concerns, citing a resulting lack of diversity in said third spaces.
“Just walk by Trin on a warm sunny day. Who do you see at the tables? Which students can afford a whole Bold Rock pitcher nowadays? Finance nepos. Crackers,” Spanberger said.
Earle-Sears, contrarily, suggested a direct correlation between less modest clothing choices and steep drink prices. Although associating conservative dress with conservative beliefs is a stereotype, some Republicans have used it to argue more liberal foes lack traditional American values.
“These females are tempting our poor young men who at least have the decency to wear a Rhoback polo. They should pay $20 for a single-shot mixed drink as compensation,” Earle-Sears said.
In response, Spanberger proposed a discount on pitchers for students who do not wear overpriced sneakers in the trenches of frat houses.
“As for the boys,” she added, “Just put away your dirty toes.”
It is unclear how the candidates’ criticisms will fare among students of either gender.
Nevaeh Funn, student leader of the University Young Life Christianity, corroborated Earle-Sears’ sentiment.
“Students like me are tired of premarital makeouts and worldly sin,” said Funn. “Dressing more modestly can be the first step to a more wholesome experience.”
Several points were also raised during Q&A, questioning if the University’s LGBTQ+ nightlife would continue to be vibrant over the next few years. In addressing these concerns, Spanberger vowed to protect Crozet Pizza at Buddhist Biker Bar’s annual Glozet.
“For those who don’t know, Glozet is the night in which this measly pizza restaurant turns into the most flamboyant gay bar, slay the house boots down!” said Spanberger.
This was yet another turning point for Earle-Sears, who has historically taken anti-LGBTQ+ stances despite having an openly gay lieutenant gubernatorial candidate in John Reid.
“LGBT? IDGAF. The ruckus caused at Crozet Buddhist Biker Bar on Thursday nights is unfairly overpowering to the population of straights at Ellie's Country Club next door.”
Notably, Minor 125 had cleared at this point due to sheer boredom, or possibly confusion, with droves of students and faculty leaving in a state of torpidity. Only the most dedicated — rather, desperate for internships — members of University Democrats sat through the full 43 minutes.
In hopes of further strengthening student engagement, the candidates agreed at the end of the town hall to hold a “Pitch Perfect” style Riff Off in the Amphitheater before the first day of classes Aug. 26. It is to take the place of the University Program Council’s Welcome Weekend performance — they know you weren’t gonna go anyway.
“Please come, it will be fun,” said Spanberger. “Please! Pleek…”
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