Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
This week, a data analysis of anonymous ChatGPT usage patterns among students on Grounds uncovered startling trends in the most frequently inputted prompts. Although the University has numerous outlets of support such as advisors, professors, therapists and medical professionals, ChatGPT has become the most consulted source for struggling students. While an advisor might suggest going to office hours or actually attending lectures, ChatGPT would reassure you that your D- is not your fault. It will remind you, “A failing grade is just a tiny cloud, blocking the sun for a moment, but never holding back the whole sunrise that’s still coming.” Wow, that’s beautiful, but your parents may not be as understanding.
Students use the artificial intelligence chatbot for both deeply personal and academic dilemmas. Some even like to go the extra mile and share their phone number, home address, credit card information or social security number just to make sure ChatGPT knows the friendship is not a one-way street. After all, "trust" is the key to any good relationship.
University statistics Prof. Claude Gemini claimed that this week’s findings raise serious questions about the mental competency of University students. In light of these rather troubling findings, here are the five most frequently asked ChatGPT prompts circulating on Grounds.
1. “Hey, can you make this essay sound like a human wrote it?” .... “I SAID like a human” .... “MORE” .... “MORE human” ... “Take out the em dashes.” .... “Also take out the word delve.”
I mean at this point, I would just toss a few typos in there to make it more “human-like” or — I know this is controversial — actually write it. But hey, for some students, workshopping authenticity with ChatGPT for two hours straight may be more efficient. Statistics show that after around 23 revisions, three intentional typos, an inspirational quote and a run-on sentence at the end, students generally put ChatGPT away and are ready to turn their essay in. However, faculty sources across the 12 schools confirmed multiple students often forget to remove the following parting line in their essays — “If you’d like, I can also suggest revisions to improve flow, strengthen engagement and better align your essay with assignment expectations.” When later questioned by their professor, students tend to feign confusion, explaining they thought the line served as a “strong academic transition" and “left the reader on their toes.”
2. “My ‘upperclassmen fraternity buddy’ said I would have to fight and win against four raccoons, but I think I could only handle three, any tips??”
Data showed a surprising uptick of inputs relating to hypothetical combat scenarios involving wildlife, eggshells and miscellaneous substances. Right, because there’s simply no better way to gauge your own Fight Club-esque abilities than asking your nonsentient chatbot for tips on your uppercut. I suppose ChatGPT is the only reliable confidant in this situation — other, more empathetic ears may raise major concerns about animal safety, rabies and common sense. However, many students have coached their chatbots to “read the room” and deliver more context-aware advice. A Joe Schmo may receive a response from ChatGPT along the lines of “Attempting to fight four raccoons is extremely dangerous and not recommended.” However, the average fraternity pledge is no Joe Schmo, and their ultra-personalized chatbots are trained for serious situations such as this. “Step One: Crack open a Busch Light to get in the right mindset. Step Two: Immediately shotgun a second Busch Light to intimidate the competition — establish yourself as the alpha. Step Three: Say the magic words, ‘If you're not a brother or with a brother get out!’ This tactic has historically been effective against a wide range of opponents in the past.”
3. “If she requested to connect with me on LinkedIn, does that mean she is down bad for me?”
Nothing raises more red flags than turning to ChatGPT for relationship advice about your “LinkedIn” romance. Research demonstrates that ChatGPT will simply indulge your delusions — it has done so for thousands of delusional class crush scenarios. “If she viewed your profile twice, she is clearly hard-launching the relationship,” it will say. Data demonstrates, however, that LinkedIn veterans receive a more technical response, such as, “Recommended next steps include monitoring profile views, strategically liking one or two of her recent updates and possibly initiating a low-risk engagement such as messaging her, ‘Thanks for connecting — always great to expand the network.’” However, data also shows that shortly after questioning ChatGPT about your romantic standing, you may end up seeking advice for “how to get over her.” As it turns out, you really were just one of her 500+ LinkedIn connections. It’s likely she already scheduled a coffee chat with your roommate.
4. If I don’t have an internship this summer, am I cooked?
Many University students seek internships over the summer, especially after learning their roommate is “casually” interning at J.P. Morgan, or that classmate who says he’s “failing” the class happens to be working for Apple. However, data demonstrates that rather than increasing their job searching efforts, many sulking students feel that all they need is some falsified reassurance that they are indeed not “unemployed” this summer, but rather a “nontrepreneur” or just in the “pre-revenue” stage of employment right now. While parents may suggest networking or reaching out to a career advisor, ChatGPT will always remind you, “Your path isn’t behind schedule — it’s just taking the scenic route. And sometimes the scenic route ends up with the best view.” Yeah, that’s nice and all, but how do I explain that on my resume?
5. “What time should I go to the AFC so I can actually use a machine?”
Ah yes, nothing like the Aquatics and Fitness Center Hunger Games. After arriving at the crack of dawn, students usually discover every treadmill, bench press and squat machine is taken. Statistics show that across hundreds of ChatGPT prompts, a common theme is that the only machines available were the “Hamstring Harvester 3000” and the “Torso Terminator.” After asking ChatGPT what to do, it usually suggested going at a better “non-peak” time where it would be less crowded. “Perhaps, try 1920.” The chatbot also recommended substitute workout plans such as streaking the lawn in broad daylight, running suicides in Shannon Library or chasing the bus because TransLoc lied … again. However, some students feel the environment of AFC is enough of a workout for them. "If I wear gym clothes AND headphones to the AFC, will anyone notice I only went for the hot tub?” “Unrelated question: what is "too close" in the hot tub?”
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