Editor’s Note: This is a humor column.
Thank you to The Cavalier Daily’s executive editor — and my close and personal friend — Scarlett Sullivan for giving me the honor of sharing my story as the University’s most influential president. After learning that former University President Jim Ryan got the top gig for Valedictory Exercises, I realized that the University community also wanted, no, needed a final goodbye from me as well.
When first introduced to the concept of The Cavalier Daily “parting shot,” I was flabbergasted — what on earth would people have to learn from the people that were formerly in their role? How to engage the community? How to talk to the nice folks with lollipops at the Department of Justice? Passwords? Despite my initial befuddlement, I quickly became enamored with the idea of capturing my bildungsroman, my rise to the top and my “gone-too-soon” fall that captured the University community. Where else would I be able to publish such a beautiful story than in the same rag that followed my every move last semester?
Oh, last semester … it is hard to think that the Mahoney of it all was only a few months ago. I remember it vividly. One sticky morning in August, I got a call from former Rector Rachel Sheridan — a woman who would soon become my ride or die — that the Board of Visitors was greatly impressed with my raw, bad boy energy. She also uplifted my “lawyerly but also we’re not just focused on that” background, as she revealed a coveted opportunity to me. The office of president had been recently vacated, and the University needed someone who looked like Mitch McConnell to successfully confuse the Department of Justice about the University’s political persuasions.
“We need you, Paul.” Rach said tearfully.
And there I was, ready to serve the University poorly in its greatest time of need. I learned many things in the role, of which I will now share with you all.
First, I learned that the greater University community was different from my community back at the School of Law. While 1Ls will often hedge their commentary with strategic ambiguity — the “could-bes” and “one-might-assumes” — other students had no trouble calling me out. One private evening at the Fresh Food Company dining room, I spilled baked beans all over myself while watching “Cars 2” on my Samsung, and a first-year shouted, “This president eating beans!” Everyone laughed, but I.
More moments of humiliation like this would come, from being lambasted for not having some sort of presidential-jogging-themed activity — even though I have a weak stomach that can only be satisfied through a bean-forward diet — to getting some random flack about a thing I signed with the DOJ. What I realized from these moments is to ignore every mean thing people might say about you — especially if it is true. Keep your head up, Mahomedogs.
Secondly, I was shocked to find that the label “Interim” in “Interim University President” actually had meaning — like most law phrases written in Latin, I just skipped over reading it. However, I came nose to nose with my own forced removal, right as my interim assistant reminded me not to buy all new curtains for Carr’s Hill. Nor was I able to fit a new golden retriever puppy in the Board budget prior to my term’s end. I had so much more in me to share with the University — so many fantastic, hip Instagram Reel ideas, and even more empty presidential promises to make. Yet, my dear friends, every great presidency must end tragically — Lincoln, Kennedy, Ryan and Mahoneyself as of Dec. 19.
Despite the tragedy of my removal after 137 days — if only the University waited for my big plans on the 138th day — there is much to be thankful for, and many people whose names will go down with mine in the edit history for the University of Virginia’s Wikipedia page. Thank you to Rach and Porter for securing me this job on the low. I know y’all had plenty of conversations about who you like more than Jim Ryan, and I’m glad I made the short list.
Thank you to the DOJ officials, my idols and master puppeteers. I will cherish the memories with you, getting wined and dined to sell out this institution. Harmeet, I wish you the best for the top job of attorney general, where I know you will continue your brave defense of freedom by emailing college administrators at 2 a.m.
And Scott, my brother in rotational governance. Thanks for the move-out help. Hope the job goes okay.
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